"House Code" in the New Society (3)

Ephesians 6:4

Introduction:

                There are several recent Hollywood movies that bring a breath of fresh air to the issue of fatherhood. Life is Beautiful is about a father who eventually gave up his life to protect his son in a German concentration camp. In the Winslow Boy, the father trusted his son while others accused him of dishonesty. The father in ‘October Sky’ insisted that his son should follow his steps to be a miner in a Virginia coal mining city. But later, he turned around and accepted his son’s interest in Science and later became a famous rocket scientist. The single father in ‘Patriot’ totally dedicated himself to his children, protecting them at all cost.

                One reason for such films’ success is that it touches a very common need among us. The yearning for a model father, or the desire of being a good father. In recent years there are numerous books on how to be effective fathers. It is certainly good to see this emphasis on fatherhood.

                However, it is also necessary to remember that as early as the 1^st century, the apostles, being inspired by the Holy Spirit, had written to the believers regarding fatherhood.

                Since today is Father’s Day, in our study of the house codes in the book of Ephesians, I want to skip the passage on children and come to this verse on fatherhood. Next time, we will come back to children obeying their parents.

                In the original Greek, the word father can refer to both the father and mother. But from the context of this passage, since it first addressed the husbands, here it appears to be pointing towards the fathers in particular.

Again, let’s take a look at the cultural context of this verse. Two weeks ago we looked at the terrible way women were treated in that 1^st century society. Not just the women, but children and slaves were also regarded with little value and freedom. In that society, men had the ultimate authority. The husband, the father had the right to punish their children, even killing the infant. They had absolute power over the family.

                However, in this new society of Jesus Christ, people are treated differently. The husbands, the fathers are the head of the family. Yet they are to be different from what they used to be. The issue again is not whether the husband or father is the leader, or has the power, but what kind of leader he is. It’s not about power and authority, but about the abuse of power in a family situation.

                So, here on Father’s day, we are going to learn what the Bible teaches us about being a father. In this passage we shall see that in God's kingdom, father carries the responsibility of nurturing their children.

I.Fathers are to avoid provoking their children to anger.

                Anger means strong negative emotions. When a child is angry, it is often accompanied by destructive behaviors. They bang the door or throw things around. When they are adults, they can be filled with hostility and be critical of others. They alienate themselves from people around us.

                Certainly there are many causes leading to an angry child; such as selfishness or being spoiled. But here, the focus is directed to the father. Father, don’t provoke your child to anger.      

                What are some of the father’s behavior that will provoke a child’s anger? First, when we impose our will on them. In the novel, Giant, is a story about a Texan called Jordan Benedict. He owned a 2 ½ million acre cattle ranch. He is furious because his 3 year old son Jordy does not like horses. When set on one horse, he cries to be taken down. The father is disgusted and said, “I rode before I could walk.” His wife responded, “all right, that was you. This is another person. Maybe he doesn’t like horses….” “He is a Benedict,” the father said, “and I’m going to make a horseman out of him if I have to tie him to do it.” “you’ve been playing God so long you think you run the world”. “ I run the part of it that’s mine”. “He’s not yours. He’s your and mine. And not even ours. He’s himself…..” Does that sound familiar? Because he is a Lee, therefore he must know how to play a musical instrument, or get straight A’s, or be a doctor.

                Every child must be allowed to be himself. When they are forced to be someone that they don’t want to, it will provoke their anger.

                Secondly, when we lack commitment to the children, it will provoke their anger. Certainly this commitment can be expressed in many different ways. For example, are we there for our children in their sports game? Do we know how disappointed our children are when we do not show up? On the other hand, the moment they see us there, their eyes brighten up. To be involved in their lives is very important.

                Thirdly, when there is a lack of respect for our children, it will provoke their anger. This is especially true when children have grown older. When we keep going after them, without giving them any space, this can make them real angry. Just imagine, what is it like if your boss keeps after you, asking you why you do this or that? Why didn’t you do this and that. You will be angry too, right? To respect our children means there will come a time, we need to give them the space they need to make their own decisions, sometimes even if it is a wrong one.

II.Father is tender love.

                After the negative, Paul goes on to the positive aspects of fatherhood. First he is to bring them up. In the original language, this phrase has a very tender and gentle aspect. Calvin interprets it as fondly cherish; Hendriksen, rear them tenderly. One can imagine as the elders of the Ephesians church read this letter in front of the congregation, how some of the fathers would respond. Just earlier, they were told as the head of the family, they were to love their wives in the same manner as Christ loved the church. Meaning a sacrificial and sanctifying love. It was so against the social trend, so politically incorrect. And now, as a father, they are to tenderly cherish their children. The one with absolute authority at home is to be gentle and tender to their children? Its unheard of. Father and Tenderness is almost like an oxymoron.

                Don’t we Chinese also feel the same, sometimes? We often describe parents as “strict father, tender mother”. Many of our fathers are rather strict and stoic. We model after them, thinking this is the only way, the right way. But this morning we ask ourselves, from whom do we get our marching order: our society and tradition or from God, the designer and architect of marriage? The scripture doesn’t seem to leave any room for another option, isn’t it? Fathers: fondly cherish, deal gently and rear tenderly your children. Children are fragile creatures needing the tenderness and security of love.

                I have to admit that to many fathers, this doesn’t come naturally. If I am to talk to a man about his fish, birds and flower, he could go into great detail about how to care for them. Feeding them daily, changing their cages and keeping them clean, fertilizing and watering the plants regularly.  They can go in great length to show me how to fish or navigate a boat. We can be patient and kind to friends and acquaintances. But at home, we tend to lose patience with our children. We are harsh, screaming and yelling at them. We are like a tyrant at home. Martin Lloyd-Jones writes, “if parents (fathers) but gave as much thought to the rearing of their children as they do to the rearing of animals and flowers, the family situation would be very different today.” Fathers, remember to treat our children gently. Don’t break their spirit by being harsh and unruly on them.

                Besides being tender and gentle, this phrase also encourages the father to cherish and bring up their children. In today’s society, too often we let the schools, day care centers, and sometimes our parents to bring up our children. But here we are reminded that parents (fathers) have the primary responsibility to bring up our children.

                How then should fathers bring up their children? Training and Instruction.

1. Training.

                The word means discipline. It means training with the emphasis on the correction of the young. It is the word used in Hebrews describing how the heavenly father disciplines his children for their good. The OT is very clear on the need for discipline. Pro 13:24,He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to discipline him.” Certainly the need for discipline is well recognized in all cultures.

                In our Chinese society, many of us experience very strict discipline from our parents. Sometimes we either carry it over to our children, saying, “This is how I was brought up.” Or more so, we swing to the other extreme, little discipline, leading to a generation of permissive and unruly children. The balance we need to strike is: right discipline, true discipline, and balanced and controlled discipline. There are times in the process of disciplining our children, punishment may also be called for. It may mean some physical pain, or temporarily removing certain privileges the children enjoy.

                How about our motives? Often we discipline our children when we are annoyed, when our pride has been injured, or when we have lost our temper. Again, quoting Llyod-Jones, “ when you discipline a child, you should have first controlled yourself…. What right have you to say to your child that he needs discipline when you obviously need it yourself? Self control, the control of temper, is an essential pre-requisite in the control of others.”

                Besides discipling, there is also the instruction.

2. Instruction.

                In our present day society, there is a tendency to leave our children to their own way. Let them decide what to do and how to behave morally. This is especially true of the parents who grew up in the 60’s and 70’s. During those days, many had experienced different life-styles: drugs and promiscuous sex. Now they are married and have their own children. They find it difficult to tell their children to follow their example. Very often the alternative is to let their children find their own way in a morally confused society.

                Of course then there are also parents, especially fathers who may be too directive and too domineering, thereby inhibiting their children from learning to make their own decisions and grow into maturity. Instead of instruction we are imposing our values on them. Its more like indoctrination.

                However, the proper understanding of instruction is stimulation. Parents are to act as a catalyst to encourage our child to learn and make up his own responses.

                What is the content of our instruction and discipline? Our children grow up in the postmodern world. Some of its characteristics are: no absolute truth, rejection of authority, no absolute moral standards and poverty of human relationship. Therefore as Christian parents, we need to teach and help them understand the existence of absolute truth and God, respect for authority in our society, the importance of moral standards and building relationships with friends, people are more important than projects and programs.

                Certainly, besides such distinctive Christian values, there are also values important to live in harmony with others. I think of respecting and being considerate of other’s belongings, such as inside the church and others’ homes. Instead of grasping for our own personal gratification, we need to teach our children how to give to those who are in need.

                In this passage Paul writes that the fathers are to discipline and instruct their children “in the Lord”. Many have interpreted it as teaching values that are biblical. This is important, but there is more to this. That we all are to remember that behind the father, the parent who teaches and instruct is the Lord himself. He is the main teacher and administer of discipline. The ultimate objective of our teaching and disciplining is that our children will come to know and obey the Lord in a personal way.

Conclusion:

                When I was with the Prison Fellowship ministry, I met regularly with a young man in the SL prison. He was looking forward to his release date. He was very excited to see his daughter again. He told me he wanted to be a good father to her. He wanted to spend time with her. Then I asked him, “what are you going to do when you spend time with her? What are you going to do when the initial excitement wears off?” He began to realize that he had never experienced his father’s care for him. He only remembered seeing his father once. He had no idea what fatherhood was all about. We then spent several weeks learning from the bible what it means to be a father.

God's words give us some basic guidelines regarding fatherhood. Yes, on the one hand both parents have the responsibility of bringing up their children, but it appears that the emphasis is on the father. The father is to be disciplined so he would not provoke his children into anger. He is to tenderly nourish them in the Lord with discipline and instruction. This is certainly no simple task.

                I want to conclude this message with the following thoughts. First, in the context of the Ephesians passage, we have been studying for the past few months, it is clear that this creator God is our heavenly Father. He is the one who tenderly nourishes us into maturity. He disciplines and teaches us with truth revealed to us in the Bible. And now he has invited us to be co-workers with him to shape our children into his likeness. This is more than a responsibility, it is a privilege. Just as it is a privilege to help our wife to bring out that glory and beauty within her. Because it is difficult and honorable, we are to take advantage of the books, tapes and seminars that can help us become a more effective fathers. And the ultimate purpose of our tender discipline and instructions is to help our children to understand and accept God's love and care in their lives.

                Secondly, a word to those who are single parents. Certainly it is easier if you have a spouse who works with you to nourish, discipline and instruct the children. And it must be doubly difficult when you have to do it alone. It is important that you get together with someone who understands your situation and can encourage and support you. Share some of your needs and frustrations with other believers, including the pastors so we can pray for you and assist you in whatever way we can. You don’t have to do it alone. There is the body of believers to help and walk with you.

                Lastly, passages like this may also remind many of us of the father we don’t have. Some may recall fathers who are always harsh and insensitive; disciplines that came as results of his anger and mood swings. We may still be trying very hard to recover from the damage he might have done to our emotional health. If you feel like this, may I encourage you to turn your eyes to our heavenly father. Don’t let our earthly father’s failures block our acceptance of the heavenly father. Yes, our earthly father may have failed us terribly, but not our heavenly father. Learn to be the sons and daughters of our heavenly father. Using his word as a guide, learn to be loved and nourished by him.

Rev. William Hsueh   Jun.10, 2001    Houston Chinese Church,  Houston, Texas