You are at the ripe age for marriage and still single. One day you
received a letter from your mom telling you about a friend's friend.
He lives in NY City, a Christian, with all the right credentials:
3P's (PR, PHD, Property). This seems to be a good prospect. So what
do you do? Say yes and get married? No, you probably will say, "May
be we should first try to be friends and see how it goes."
Some of us probably still remember when we first met "that" person
10, 15 or 30 years ago. We were attracted to each other. Her extroversion
just complemented my introversion. We became friends. Then good friends,
then real good friends. Gradually we become lovers and soon got married.
You see, Friendship is at the core of a marital relationship. This
morning I want to explore with you the thought that husbands and wives
are more than lovers, they are also friends.
So, what is friendship? Here are some simple quotes, "A friend is
one who warns us." "A single soul dwelling in two bodies", "it is
a person with whom you dare to be yourself", "Friendship is a sheltering
tree.", "Friendship is equality", "A friend is a person with whom
I may be sincere". There are also many books on friendship.
Today I want to use God's relationship with certain individuals in
the Bible as a model for friendship. In the Bible, there are three
instances where God's relationship with men are described as friends..
In James 2:23, " 'Abraham believed God, and it was credited to him
as righteousness,' and he was called God's friend." Abraham is called
God's friend. Exodus 33:11, "The LORD would speak to Moses face to
face, as a man speaks with his friend." And then during Jesus' last
days on earth, John 15:15, "I no longer call you servants, because
a servant does not know his master's business. Instead, I have called
you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made
known to you." Jesus called his disciples his friends.
From these passages, we want to understand what it means to be friends
in a marriage.
I. Friends talk to each other.
If we study Abraham's life, we see there is constant conversation
between him and God. God communicated to Abraham his salvation plan
and promises. Abraham responded with obedience, and sometimes even
doubts.
The same is true with Moses. God appeared to him in a burning bush
and commissioned him to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. Moses argued
with God about his lack of qualifications. Later, facing difficulties,
Moses complained to God about the task and God's response to him.
Moses' autobiography was a record of his conversation with God.
Looking at the gospels, we recognize that it is really a record of
Jesus' communication with his disciples. They asked questions and
he answered. He addressed their faith, fear and worry about life.
God's relationships with these individuals clearly exemplifies the
fact that friends talk to each other.
We certainly can identify with this. We still remember those dating
days when we didn't seem to run out of conversation topics. If the
two of us were in different cities and countries, you remember the
telephone bills. Then something happened after the wedding; gradually
conversation started to phase out. We may become so involved with
our career that by the time we came home, there was no more energy
left for conversations. Or our lives were centered on the children
that husbands and wives have no time for each other. Because of our
busy schedules, we are like two ships passing each other in the night.
To be friends in marriage, we need to recapture the art of conversation,
making it a priority in life. We may need to revisit our schedules
and habits. We will want to make time so we can talk again. Go to
that near by coffee or Tapioca shop, just the two of you. Friends
talk to each other.
II. Friends take conversation with each other seriously.
Exodus 33:11, "The LORD would speak to Moses face to face, as a man
speaks with his friend", Deut 34:10, "Since then, no prophet has risen
in Israel like Moses, whom the LORD knew face to face," The term "face
to face" conveys a sense of intimacy and closeness. It also implies
that when God talked to Moses, he took it very seriously. He listened
to Moses and responded sincerely. This was also how he talked with
Abraham. Whatever doubts or concerns Abraham might have, God always
took it seriously and responded to him. Friends take each other's
words seriously.
What does it mean to us when we talk to each other face to face?
It means that we are to give our spouse that undivided attention.
We are to focus on our spouse when we talk. Simply put, eye contact,
turn off TV, putting away the newspaper or book that you are reading.
We pay attention to what is spoken.
When we talk face to face it also means that we really want to listen
to each other. We listen carefully; not trying to filter out the unpleasant
topics, but also listen to the unpleasant but true thoughts. "I know
it is very hard to get along with your mother, but I feel that as
Christians, we need to show more respect and love for her." "I know
you love your son very much and want him to grow up into a successful
man, but when you try to dictate and control his every move, or telling
him what to study, it will only cause him to move away from you…."
"I know you want to succeed in your career, but it is not right to
use and manipulate others. God wants us to treat people with love,
dignity and respect."
If we talk to each other face to face, we will take these and other
words, however unpleasant they may be, seriously.
III. Friends have no hidden agenda with each other.
James 2:23 tells us that God calls Abraham his friend. What is this
friendship like? Genesis 18:17, "Then the LORD said, ''Shall I hide
from Abraham what I am about to do?" This conversation occurred after
God visited Abraham and told him and Sarah that they would have a
son a year later. Then God was on his way to destroy Sodom and Gomorrah.
"Shall I hide from Abraham what I am about to do?" In John 15:15,
"I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his
master's business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything
that I learned from my Father I have made known to you." Abraham and
Jesus were two thousand years apart, yet we have almost identical
words. What are friends like? Friends do not have hidden agendas towards
each other. There is total honesty between friends. There is openness,
directness, with nothing to hide.
Recently a wife shared, "my husband of years told me, 'I have stopped
loving you 10 years ago'". This is not what a friend would do to a
friend. This is dishonesty, this is deception.
If you are unhappy or disappointed in the marriage, talk to your
spouse. You may see a counselor together. If you have any plans, share
it with your spouse. If there is any agenda, both of you should know.
If there is any priority, it should belong to both. Friends do not
hide from each other.
IV. Friends sacrifice for each other.
In John 15:13, "Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down
his life for his friends." Jesus was referring to how he would die
for his followers. A friend sacrifices for his friend. This truth
is best exemplified in the story, "A tale of Two Cities." In that
familiar story we read about how one person smuggled into the prison
so his best friend could come out and took care of his family. It
also reminded us that back in the 70's when Chuck Colson was imprisoned
because of his role in the Watergate scandal, his friend, a congressman,
offered to finish off his sentence so Colson could be home to care
for his wife and son. Friends sacrifice for each other.
On a daily basis, sacrifice means doing things for the other person's
well being at our own expense. I think of spouses who would do the
laundry, fold the clothes so the other person can get the needed rest.
Or a husband/wife sacrifice to stay home so the other person can complete
the study.
I like "stinky bean curd". But I have known early on in our marriage
that to eat "stinky bean curd" at home is ground for divorce. Early
this year, after my birthday, Cynthia told me that she and Sean almost
bought me a package of "stinky bean curd". Well, I certainly appreciate
this thought. Next year, may be it's more than a thought…. This is
sacrifice.
When we are friends, we don't insist on what we like or wish. We
don't constantly demand others to meet our needs. We are to think
of the other person's well being. What we can do to meet his or her
needs. Friends sacrifice for each other.
V. Friends respect each other.
The last characteristic of friendship is not necessarily found in
these passages, yet equally important. Friends respect each other.
If we are to look at some of the popular shows such as Seinfeld reruns
or Friends, we notice that they are all good friends with each other:
they talk, do things together, seldom do they have any hidden agendas,
they are honest with each other. But one thing we also notice is that
there aren't any boundaries among them. Their lives are so mingled
together.
When we respect each other, we recognized the boundaries we each
have. We don't impose our preferences on the other person. We remember
to ask for our spouse's opinions. We respect how they feel and what
they think about certain issues. We don't just go out and do things
and then as an after thought, let them know what we did. Friends don't
do that to friends. When you are down, I give you the space so you
can be down. When you need time to be alone to sort out your thoughts,
I will give you the time and space you need. Friends respect each
other. Conclusion:
In many marriages, the couples start out as friends. Friendship is
really the core of any marriage. When disaffection comes into the
marriage, friendship ceases. In recent years, we have heard about
IQ, EQ. In this family life month at our church, shall we each take
a look at our FQ?
On this friendship scale, on a scale of 0 to 10, where would you
locate your friendship with your spouse? Or more specifically, how
do you rate yourself in conversation, honesty, sacrifice and respect?
Sometimes, having been married for several years, we may have forgotten
what it is like to be a friend. Our marriages run into a rut.
I remember at a wedding reception, there was something about the
bride's parents that caught my attention. I noticed that they were
joking with each other and were having fun. This is quite unusual
among the Chinese. I said to myself, "Here is a couple that is friends
with each other." It was a very refreshing sight.
May I encourage us to renew and strengthen our FQ with our spouses?
It will take time to develop or re-develop it. It involves you to
take the other person seriously. To give him/her the full attention
when he/she talks. Whatever he/she says to you, take it to your heart
and keep it confidential. There are times the other person may be
testing you to see if you take him/her seriously. Give him/her the
space needed. Have fun with your spouse just as friends have fun with
each other. We are to be friends with each other just as God is our
friend.
However, having said this, I also realize that we live in a very
broken world. There is among us whose spouse has left us either by
death or divorce. You are in that house all by yourself. At times,
such loneliness is unbearable. May I encourage you to turn to God,
who is always there. He has already sacrificed his only son for you.
You can talk to him, for he treasures you dearly. You can be open
to him, with nothing to hide.
Finally, may I also encourage us to reach out to those who are lonely.
Besides God, let us be there friends.
