日期：二零一一年一月卅日

讀經經文： 以弗所書五章廿五至卅三節

題目：「為夫之道 」

主旨：

我們繼續講今年教會主題：「家庭的生活與神連結」。今天早上與大家一起來思考的，就是一個做丈夫在家庭、婚姻裡的角色。在每個文化裡，都有一些有關「夫妻關係」的規條。在我們中國文化傳統裡有五倫，是社會最基礎的五個關係：君臣、父子、兄弟、夫婦、和朋友。這些關念早期出現的時候是在春秋的時代，非常強調每個關係裡人物的責任是什麼？做丈夫的在家裡有那些責任？然後做妻子的家裡有那些責任？然後在整個文化傳統發展的過程裡，也聽到一些愛啊、尊敬這些字句。我們無論在那一個文化裡，特別在我們東方的文化，講到男士的責任，就是把米飯放在桌子上，他是主外的。妻子的責任，好好管理這個家，包括孩子。有句熟悉的話：「男主外、女主內。」大家就像尊敬客人一樣，彼此尊敬，就是相敬如賓。

今天所看的這段經文，我們也看到大家蠻熟悉的字句：「愛、尊敬」。但是，當我們看這段經文時，我們要思想、問自己的：「這跟我們中國人的思維、傳統、文化是不是一樣？」這二天我經常在想，如果我講一篇道或專題是講到「愛、尊敬」，就像我過去經常講的，如果今日我在曉士頓文化中心講這一篇演講，然後下個禮拜去猶太人的會堂講同樣的題目，然後再過一個禮拜去清真寺又講同樣的題目、或者在唐人街佛家廟裡辦一個這樣的講座。不曉得大家的反應怎麼樣？按著我過去所講的，大家都會覺得非常的好、非常有道理。但最近我在想，如果有一個信息，無論你在那一個宗教、場合、群體裡講，都受大家歡迎的話，那我就不需要在這裡講了。我們大家可以回去，打開電腦，然後 Google 一下、或「百度」一點，夫婦、愛、敬，所有的資料都出來了，沒有必要在教會裡講這篇道了。

所以，我們要問，特別我們做傳道人的，我們在這裡所講的，跟在外面所講的不一樣的地方在那？當我們面對這段經文時，從聖經的角度來看夫妻的關係，那個關鍵、起點是一定要瞭解，基督和教會的關係。

二個禮拜前，我們看創世記的第二章，我們看到婚姻的大藍圖。婚姻是神所創造的制度，在這個制度裡，男女雙方要離開父母，與對方互相連合，在精神、身體、心靈上成為一體。我們繼續看創世記，我們看到許多人物正面、負面的一些榜樣。當我們來到箴言、所羅門寫的雅歌，我們看見婚姻藍圖是怎樣的呈現出來。來到新約聖經時，看到耶穌的教導，祂用的比喻、以及之後使徒的書信，都更清楚的告訴我們，這一個大藍圖的細節是什麼。

剛才讀以弗所書五章，對我們當中許多人是一段熟悉的經文。我在不同婚禮場合、團契專題都用過這段經文。很多年前，我也曾在這個講台講過這一段經文。當我們來看這段經文時，我們一定會注意，並且特別強調：「基督和教會的關係」，「夫妻的關係」必須以基督和教會的關係做榜樣。保羅在這裡說：如果您做丈夫的、如果您想知道怎麼愛您的妻子的話，看看基督怎麼樣愛教會。

在廿五節：「 你們作丈夫的，要愛妻子，好像基督愛教會，為教會捨己。」很簡單的就是一個「犧牲的愛」。然後我們把這犧牲的「愛」打開來，就像一個盒子一樣，盒子外面寫著「犧牲的『愛』」，現在讓我們打開這個盒子，看看裡面有什麼？

當我們看這段經文時，首先體會到這位做丈夫的，是以妻子為重心。約翰福音講到：「我是」的七個宣告，譬如：我是生命的糧、我是世界的光、我是羊的門、我是好牧人、我是真葡萄樹、我是道理、真理、生命、我是復活、我是生命。」這是耶穌的宣告。但在馬太福音十一章廿八節：「凡勞苦擔重擔的人，可以到我這裡來，我就給你們得安息。」從這一些字句，話語裡，我們看到耶穌對教會的愛，是一個以別人為主的「愛」。我們身為一個墮落的罪人，我們都需要「安全」、「保障」、「方向」、「生命裡的滿足」，我們往往要別人來滿足我們這些的需要。有時我們說要結婚，為得是讓對方來滿足我這些需要。有時我們來到教會群體裡，我們覺得教會裡的人應該要滿足我這些需要。

但是，讓我們來看一下耶穌服事，耶穌在這個世界上生活時，祂就是要來滿足別人一切的需要，是以別人的需要為重點。祂死在十字架上，不是因為自己的罪、也不是自己做錯了什麼？因為祂完全無罪的，祂的死為的是要我們能夠活在神的面前，好叫我們的罪能夠得到赦免，好叫我們能夠與神和好。正如保羅在羅馬書裡所說的：「基督為我們死，神的愛在此向我們顯明了！」耶穌來！為的是把我們帶回神那裡，使我們能夠得到豐盛的生命。

保羅在以弗所說：「丈夫就是像耶穌一樣的愛他的妻子。」在婚姻裡，在丈夫的世界，不再是以自己為中心的世界，結了婚，不是要別人滿足他的需要，他結了婚，不是要有人來服事他。他需要很大的改變，他要以別人、以他妻子為重心。我經常看見一些丈夫，在結了婚之後，他們不願意做任何的調整，好像他們吃、嗜好、興趣、與朋友的時間，他們要維持現況，不想改變。我還記得有對年輕人坐在我前面，我們就談到結了婚之後，要如何用時間，有一個禮拜有幾天一定要一起吃飯、晚上要怎麼樣用時間。然後我就問這位男士：「晚上你是怎麼過的？」因為那時他們還沒有結婚，他說我吃完飯後，我用三至四小時看電腦、各樣的新聞、收集各樣的資料。我又再問：「結了婚之後呢？」他想了想，這三、四個小時對我來說很重要的，不能放手的。他一邊在講，他的女朋友就跟他眨眼睛，我知道會有問題了。我就問這位女士：「妳覺得三、四個小時，是不是太多了？」她說：「當然多了！大概一個小時吧！」男的說：「一個小時怎麼可能？」當然，這只不過帶出結婚後，有些什麼是我們需要調整的。我們男的往往不太願意做這種的調整。當我們有了孩子，希望太太好好幫我們照顧孩子，當我們回家的時候，孩子已經洗得乾乾淨淨，然後跟他們玩一個小時，然後他們去睡覺。當孩子在學校功課不好，或是調皮時，這些責任都是太太身上。怎麼妳不好好教他功課？怎麼妳不好好管教？當孩子什麼都很好的時候，所有的功勞是歸到丈夫的身上。非常高興、驕傲的向所有的人炫耀孩子有多好！做丈夫的往往不願意做任何的調整。因此，做妻子一個又一個的調整下來，難怪有時妻子會說：「當我結了婚後，我變成了一個僕人、甚至變成一個奴隸。我再也沒有自己的生活。」

我想聖經不是這樣說的，一個做丈夫的要愛他的妻子，好像基督愛教會一樣，為教會捨己，是一個犧牲的愛。我時常說：「在今天這個世界裡，大概沒有太多的機會讓我們這些做丈夫，去為我們的太太去死。就算這個機會來的時候，我不曉得有多少的丈夫馬上說：『不要緊！我去，我願為妳死！』妳需要換心臟？就把我的心臟拿去！」不會的！是不是？當然法律也不一定會允許。我們第一個想的是什麼？有沒有人家的心臟可以移植給你太太身上？為妻子死的機會不多。這裡所強調的，就是在婚姻裡，我們不再是世界的中心，我們要以太太需要為主。當然，如果您認得我的話，您也知道我下一個問題是什麼？既然以妻子為主的話，您知不知道您妻子的需要是什麼？

在廿五年前，威廉‧哈利寫了一本書，最近幾年翻成了中文，「她需、她要」。在國內的很多的書店裡都買得到的一本書，在這本書裡講到婦女的五個基本的需要：「第一、感覺被愛；第二、談話。您經常聽到這樣的笑話，“我們坐下來談談”這個丈夫一聽到這句話，馬上緊張了，有什麼好談的，太太就是需要談話；第三、需要經濟上的保障；第四、需要丈夫向她的誠實；第五、需要丈夫對家庭的委身。」就是這一些的需要。不難是吧？如果您沒有給她這些需要，您不重視她的需要的話，您給她再大的鑽石戒指、您給她再好的車子、再大的洋房，也不能滿足她，她仍然可以是位最不開心的人。這裡告訴我們，要以太太的需要為中心，不再以自己為中心，要把自己放下來。

約翰福音十三章一節：「祂既然愛世上屬於自己的人，就愛他們到底。」這是一個非常透徹的一個愛！這樣的愛在所有的婚禮的誓言裡都出現。「就是從今日開始，是禍是福、是富是貧、是疾病是健康，我都瞭解你、我都愛你！直到死為止！」這樣一個徹底的愛，就是耶穌在約翰福音裡十三章一節說：「祂既然愛世間屬於自己的人，就愛他們到底。」

當我們看我們四周圍的世界，大概很少聽過這樣的故事：一位做太太的，有天醒過來，看著身邊的丈夫，他年紀大了，覺得他沒有以前可愛、不再是像以前那樣帥了，體重也增加了。然後對自己說，夠了！我要再去找一個年輕的男人，您大概沒有聽過這種故事，連電影大概都不多。相反呢？丈夫有天眼睛睜開，看見太太不再像以前那樣美，缺少以前的吸引，這位丈夫怎麼樣？就去外面找一個比太太更年輕的人。這樣的事情，我們到處都看見，電影、小說、周圍的朋友，您都看到這樣的現象。然後，在醫院裡的護士，也會告訴我們她所看到的，看到有些丈夫把太太從輪椅上推到醫院裡，將她註冊之後，就離開，再也不回來。這不是一個徹底的愛，這是一個眼前的愛。

大概在四年曾與您們分享過這個故事，在國內有則新聞報導，某個省份有位男士的妻子，他們稱她為「瘋子」，她經常會離開家，然後丈夫就去找她，然後把她找回來，一次又一次，這一次她走出去了，又好幾天沒有回來，丈夫也找了幾天，都找不到。然後，他們的隣居說：「算了吧！您把她找回來，只不過給您自己更多的麻煩，她已經瘋了，您就讓她去吧！」然後這位丈夫﹙我們不知道他的學問有多少？﹚他只講了一句話：「她是我的妻子」。

我們大概也聽過羅勃森‧邁庫肯的故事，他和他太太在日本做宣教士十二年之久，在一九六八年時，南卡州的哥倫比亞聖經學校邀請他回來做院長，然後在八零年的早期，他太太開始出現了老人痴呆症的症候群。在一九九零年，羅勃森就決定辭掉院長一職，留在家照顧他的太太，後來學校跟他說：「我們很需要你，我們會出錢幫你請一個人來照顧你的妻子。」然後羅勃森這樣說：「她在過去的四十二年，我的太太跟著我到處走，現在她病了，輪到我、也是我的責任來照顧她。」他就留在家裡看顧他的妻子，他清理她的房間，太太把房間弄得很髒的時候，他跪在地上擦地。十七年之後，有一次，有位學生到他家去，看見他這樣子的照顧他的妻子，就問他說：「您有沒有因為要照顧她，您感覺到疲倦？」然後，他說：「當然！每天晚上都感到疲倦，所以我就要去睡覺。」我不是這個意思，您有沒有因為照顧她而感覺到累？然後，他說：「不！一點也不累！我很喜歡去照顧她！因為，她是我的寶貝。」這是犧牲的愛、一個徹底的愛！

歌羅西書三章十九節：「 你們作丈夫的，要愛妻子，不可苦待她們。」什麼叫做苦待，苦待就是批評、挑剔、貶低她這個人。做丈夫的，不要苦待我們的妻子，要有一個溫柔的心對待她，不要把您的妻子變成一樣物件、廢人，除掉他的人格。希望在我們當中的，沒有一個人會說下面這種話：「兄弟如手足，老婆如衣服。」您有聽過嗎？您聽過長輩們說，也不一定是長輩，我的同輩，他說：「媽媽只有一個，我一定要照顧。」下面一句他就不講了，言外之意是大家一聽就知道的。媽媽只有一個，妻子可以換的，我相信我們都聽過。讓我們要從心裡抗拒這一個觀念，我們的妻子，不是一件東西，您叫，她就來；您不要，就把她甩掉，不！要溫柔的對待她！

我時常提醒我自己，也提醒我們的同工，在國內做陪訓的時候，我也跟他們這樣說，我們這些做傳道的人，做教會的事，對教會的姊妹，我們很體貼，我們會問：「妳最近怎麼樣？」，她們很放心的跟我們分享心中的一些苦悶，這是我們在教會裡會做的。我也聽過傳道人的妻子說：「我巴不得成為他的會眾之一，這樣他也能夠更加的體貼我，好像體貼其他的姊妹們。」這是不對的！

我想到一位妻子，同我們分享她的丈夫如何在孩子們面前，用組暴言語對待她。她知道她丈夫每月的收入三、四萬美金，他從來不告訴她這些錢放在什麼地方？她感覺她在家裡，好像灰塵一樣，被苦待。這是神很不喜悅的！所以做丈夫的，不要苦待我們的妻子，要用溫柔的心來對待她們。

當然聖經其他的地方，講到基督如何的愛教會。但是，在今日的教會，我們來看下一段經文廿六至廿八節：「 為的是要用水藉著道把教會洗淨，成為聖潔，可以作榮耀的教會歸給自己，甚麼污點皺紋等也沒有，而是聖潔沒有瑕疵的。丈夫也應當這樣愛妻子，好像愛自己的身體一樣。愛妻子的，就是愛自己了。」為了要明白這幾節的經文，我們一定要瞭解第一世紀猶太社會婚姻的習慣，其實跟中國人傳統婚姻是很相似。

首先訂婚—叫做許配，這種許配就是訂婚，跟現在的訂婚蠻相似的。但是有更大的約束性，兩個人訂婚後， 就是一個合法的夫妻。訂婚之後，有一段時間準備婚禮的筵席。在準備的過程裡，雙方要處理好一些錢財上的事，據說是禮金等等，像中國社會一樣，把這些處理好。婚禮的那一天，當然新娘要打扮非常的美麗，然後新郎要到新娘的家迎娶她，把她帶到婚禮的宴席，這樣一個過程裡，整個村莊都注目在這位新娘身上。然後這一位新郎，以她為榮、以她為樂，這就是基督與教會的關係。

基督揀選了我們，呼召我們來跟隨祂！把我們帶進祂屬靈的家裡面。祂的家不止單單是這教會，乃是世界上所有相信祂的人，祂把我們帶進祂的家裡面，就好像許配、就像訂婚，我們就屬於祂了！所以在聖經裡，教會也被稱為是基督的新娘。我們就在等，等到有一天祂會回來，把我們帶到將來那個大的、榮耀婚禮的筵席。在那一天，祂會將我們、將這個教會洗得乾乾淨淨，把我們帶到祂自己面前，參加筵席。

這個筵席，就是耶穌在福音書裡所講的婚禮，也是約翰在啟示錄中所講的「天上羔羊的筵席」，然後我們在地上等祂來接我們，把我們帶到天上的筵席上，祂的眼睛放在我們身上。就如在申命記卅三章廿五節下所說，「我的眼注目在祢身上，你們的日子如何，力量也必如何。」祂的眼看在我們的身上，然後祂的聖靈幫助我們屬靈的成長，使我們越來越成熟、越來越像耶穌基督！在心靈的裡面，使我們越來越美麗，為的是將我們帶到筵席裡。在聖經裡，這就是成聖。祂的眼目放在我們身上，祂以我們為榮、以我們為樂！當祂把我們帶到天上的時候，我們沒有任何的瑕疵，我們將完會像祂一樣的完全。

丈夫就是要這樣的愛妻子，他要儘他所能來幫助、鼓勵他妻子的成熟、成長。然後運用神所給的恩賜。在這過程裡，他的眼睛是放在妻子身上，這不是一個挑剔的眼光，乃是關懷的眼光，他要以她為榮、以她為樂。但是我們做丈夫的，在這方面我們做的不是很好。我們時常聽到說，我的丈夫不準我做這、做那！怕我多去了教會，我一跟基督徒多來往的時候，我丈夫會擔心我被人家影響。他不讓我參加更多的義工，來幫助那些弱小、無聲的人。

我也曾聽過當中有人跟我分享：「當您回國時某個城市，以前的朋友帶您去餐廳吃飯，您去了，看到您的朋友，他們都帶了一位女士，因為很久沒有見，就說「這是您的太太？」他說不是，這是我的女朋友。太太留在家，女朋友帶去吃飯，何等羞恥的事？我們基督徒看見的時候，我們要從心裡面抗拒。因為這不是正常的！這是把自己的妻子去人格化，把她變成一樣東西，何等的錯誤。

相反的，很高興聽到一些做妻子說，她們的丈夫如何鼓勵她們的成長、幫助她們、鼓勵她們發揮她們屬靈的恩賜，使她們更加的成熟。所以，我往往與青少年做輔導時，特別女孩子，都會問一個問題：「妳的男朋友，經常鼓勵妳心靈的成長？還是他成為你屬靈成長的攔阻呢？」我們當中做丈夫的，如何對這段聖經瞭解是正確的話，在婚姻的裡面，我們的責任，就是要把我們的妻子帶到臺前，讓她發光出來，發出她的屬靈生命的美，以她為榮、為樂！有時候，我們要因她的光輝比我們的光更大的緣故，要為她們高興，不要妒嫉，要讓她成為神要讓她成為的人！就好像基督把教會高舉一樣。像我們這樣不完整的人，祂仍然以我們為榮！

結束的時候，我想對一些即將準備結婚的弟兄們說，我想您有一條清單，就是您將來對太太的期望。當您年輕的時候，這條清單是相當的長，大概一、兩張紙頭，非常的仔細。當您年齡越來越大時，這條的清單也越來越短，當您到了四十五、五十歲、五十五歲時，您大概已經沒有清單了！當然我們要有期望。如果神帶一位女士進入我的生命裡，我要有一些的期望，是嗎？那很好！但我更加願意問您，如果神把一個人帶進您生命裡，您能不能夠愛她像基督愛我們一樣？您能不能夠幫助她屬靈生命成長？以她為榮、為樂！好像神帶領您、幫助您生命的成長呢？

我也要對我們當中的姊妹、想要結婚的人、還沒有結婚的說幾句話，妳要找的是什麼樣的男士？是一個送給妳十幾、廿朵玫瑰花的男士？妳生日的時候，每一歲生日就是一朵花？廿歲的話就廿朵玫瑰花，卅歲時卅朵玫瑰花，這是妳要的男人？或者是要找一個人，能夠像基督愛教會那樣的來愛您？是以妳為中心的人？這個人是不是能夠幫助妳在屬靈生命中成長？讓妳越來越像我們的主耶穌基督？

然後我想對我們當中做父母的說，我們要教小孩子，在他們還年幼的時候，我們就要告訴他們、教他們，如果有一天他們結婚的話，他們要做一個什麼樣的丈夫。如果他們有一天結婚的話，他們找的是一位能夠幫助他們成長。無論男孩、女孩，這是我們要教的。

當然，最近因為老虎媽媽的書，引起了很多的討論，東方老虎型的父母、美國的直升飛機型的父母、北歐的完全照顧的父母，以後有機會再談。無論您怎麼樣教孩子，老虎型、直升飛機型、完全照顧型的父母也好，觀鍵是您在教什麼？有沒有為他們的將來，將聖經有關夫妻的道理講解給他們聽。

最後對我們當中做丈夫的說，如果您像我一樣，看到這一段經文，我們只說「很好！聖經講的真有道理！但是我不是基督，我做不到！」我也巴不得有另外一個方式解釋這段經文。我從八零年時代就開始在講這段經文，還是沒有辦法找到這段經文的另外一個意思，無論您如何看這段經文，您沒有辦法避免一個真理：我們要像基督愛教會一樣、做丈夫要愛他的妻子。很難！不可能的事！但是，您知道這段經文的關鍵在那裡呢？我們每一個人都需要親自的經歷到，基督是如何的愛我，為我捨己。單單知道是不行的，要經歷到基督對您的愛，那個捨己的愛，然後您才曉得如何去愛旁邊的人。如果您不經歷這個捨己的愛，您如何知道怎麼樣去用這捨己的愛來愛您的妻子？不但如此，您也要經歷成聖的過程。基督潔淨您，幫助您克服您的罪性，幫助您每日的成長。基督以您為樂，只有您經歷到、才能夠幫助您身旁的那個人—妻子。

為了這個緣因，這段經文正確的瞭解，一定要是在基督犧牲的愛之下來傳講，當我們這樣來講道的時候。這樣的信息沒有辦法在華人文化中心、猶太人會堂、 清真寺裡講，因為先生對妻子的愛是從十字架開始。

Date:   01/30/2011

Text:   Ephesians 5;25-33

Title: The Way of Husband 为夫之道

Theme: Since God has created the marriage institute, the husband’s love for his wife is to be modeled after Christ’s relationship with the church.

Introduction:

  As we continue our theme for this year, this morning we’ll look at the husband’s role in marriage. Every culture has its own rules about the husband and wife relationship. In the Chinese culture, there is the well-known “5 tenants of Ethic” ( 五论 ). It stresses the importance of 5 basic relationships and foundation in a society. They are: 君臣 , 父子，兄弟，夫妇，朋友。 In its original version, there was little content provided in the husband and wife relationship. As time went on, words like love and respect were added to it. Very often love means providing for the family and taking care of the family. Man’s role is to put bread/rice on the table and woman’s role is to take care of the children and domestic chores. Husbands and wives are to treat each other as honorable guests. .

  In the passage we read today, we also see words such as love and respect. Are they the same as what the Chinese think they are? If I am to preach a sermon on love and respect, will this be well received in a Chinese community setting? Will this be well received in a Jewish synagogue, or a Muslim mosque? If yes, then I don’t really need to preach here this morning. I can just ask you to go home and read a book or search on the website.

  However, the key to understand the husband and wife relationship as taught in the scriptures, is to understand the relationship between Christ and the church.

In genesis 2, the passage we studied two Sundays ago, provides us with an overview of what marriage is about. Marriage is an institute God created at the beginning of human history. This marriage between a man and woman is to be understood in the context of man/woman leaving their family of origin and becoming one emotionally and physically. In the rest of the scriptures, both Old and New Testament, God continues to reveals to us the meaning of leaving, cleaving and be united. There are positive and negative examples. There are also more detailed instructions and applications in Jesus'' teaching and later in the epistles.

Ephesians 5 is a familiar passage for many of us. I have referred to it in various wedding ceremonies and fellowship workshops. I have also preached on this passage about 10 years ago. As we read this passage, we notice that the relationship between Christ and the church is to be an example, model of the husband and wife relationship. It’s far more than human understanding of love and respect.

Vs.25, “ Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her,… 你們作丈夫的，要愛妻子，好像基督愛教會，為教會捨己 ” Let’s try to unpack this love.

1 •  The husband is to be “wife-centered” In the gospel of John, there are 7 Jesus'' “I am” statements. “I am the Bread of Life, I am the light of the world, I am the door for the sheep, I am the good shepherd, I am the way, the truth and the life, I am the vine, I am the resurrection and the life.” then there is Matthew 11:28, “Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. 你們所有勞苦擔重擔的人哪，到我這裡來吧！我必使你們得安息。 ” This is a love that caters towards others’ needs. As fallen beings, we need safety, security, direction and fulfillment in life. We want others to meet these needs. Jesus'' ministry, his being on earth was to meet such needs. It’s other directed. Moreover, he died on the cross, not because of his sins or wrong doings, for he had none. He died so that we can live before God. He died so our sins can be forgiven. Apostle Paul wrote in Romans 5 that Jesus died for us, in order to demonstrate God’s love us. It is all for others. He came so that we can be brought back to God, and have an abundant life.

This is how the husband is to love his wife. His paradigm is that in marriage, he is no longer the center of the world. He did not get married so that from now on he has someone to take care of him and meeting all of his needs. I have often seen husbands who after marriage, don't care to change any of their routine; such as eating habits, hobbies, and time with their friends. When they have children, they expect the wives to take good care of them. If the children misbehaved or do not do well, it is all the wife’s fault. If they do well, he gets all the credit. He doesn’t want to change, so the wife ends up making all the changes. No wonder some wives said, after I got married, I became a servant, a slave. I don’t have my life anymore.

This is not what the scripture says. The husband is to love his wife like Christ loves the church and gave his life for her. As I said before, in today’s world, there are not too many opportunities for us to die for our wives. However, the emphasis is that we are not the center of the world; we are not here to have our wives meet all our needs. Instead, we are to meet her needs. Do we know what her needs are?

25 years ago, William Harley wrote the book, “His Needs, Her Needs”. The five basic needs of women are: affection, communication, financial security, honesty and commitment to family. If some of these needs are not met, no matter how big the diamond, how fancy the car and how large the house you give her, she will feel empty in life.

2 •  The husband is to love thoroughly. In John 13:1, we have these words, “ ………. when Jesus knew that his hour had come to depart out of this world to the Father, having loved his own who were in the world, he loved them to the end. 他既然愛世上屬於自己的人，就愛他們到底。 ” This is a very thorough love. It is a love that is repeated in every wedding vow: “ from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to understand, till death shall part us.

Looking at the world around us, seldom do we see or hear stories about the wife feeling her husband is old, no longer desirable. Thus leaving him for a younger man. On the contrary we see and hear too often of how the husband is attracted to someone younger and prettier than his wife and resulting in divorce. Hospital nurses have also shared that they have seen men wheeling their sick wife to be admitted and never return for her. No, this is not a thorough love.

I have shared this story with you about 4 years back. It is a story I read in a Chinese paper in china. A man in a certain province had a wife who is mentally challenged ( 疯子 ). From time to time she would run away from home and the husband would always go out to look for her and brought her home. But this time, after several days, he still could not find her. The neighbors all said to him that he should just let her go. Even if he found her, she would just give him more trouble. Just leave her alone, they advised. To this, he simply replied, “She is my wife.”

Many of us have also heard the story of Robertson Mcquilkin. He and his wife were missionaries in Japan for 12 years. In 1968, he became the president of Columbia International University in S. Carolina. In the early 80’s, his wife, Muriel, began to show signs of Alzheimer’s. In 1990, he decided to resign from the school and stayed home to care of her. The school asked him to stay and offered to hire full time help for the family. This is what he said, “for the last 42 years, she has followed me wherever God has led us. Now that she is sick, it is my turn and responsibility to take care of her.” He stayed home and took care of Muriel. He would clean up the mess she left behind in the house. About 17 years later, sometime in 2003, a student of his asked, “Don’t you ever get tired of taking of her ?” “Tired? Every night. That’s why I go to bed.” “no, I mean tired…..” He said, “Why, no, I don’t get tired, I love to care for her. She’s my precious.” This is a sacrificial and thorough love.

3 •  A gentle love.

In Colossians 3:19, “ 19 Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them. 你們作丈夫的，要愛妻子，不可苦待她們 ” Here is another aspect of our love for our wives. Do not be harsh with them. Don’t be critical, cynical and bitter towards them. don’t dehumanize your wife. Don’t ever say, 兄弟如手足 , 老婆如衣服 . Treat them with utmost dignity and respect. Be considerate and be sensitive to their physical, emotional and spiritual health. Treat them like you treat someone you don’t know. Or I often remind myself and fellow ministers. That we are generally very courteous and considerate to the female members of the church. No wonder sometimes pastors’ wives would say, I wish I am a member of his congregation. This way, I’ll be treated with courtesy and sensitivity. Husbands, be gentle to your wives.

I think of a wife sharing that her husband constantly abused her verbally in front of her and the children. She knew that her husband made 30 to 40 K a month but never told her where the money was. She felt treated like dirt. This is harsh treatment, very displeasing to God.

We can certainly draw upon other scripture passages to help us understand how husbands are to love their wives like Christ love the church. But now, I want to move to another portion of this passage.

Vs. 26-28,“ 26 that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27 so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. 28 In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 為的是要用水藉著道把教會洗淨，成為聖潔， 27 可以作榮耀的教會歸給自己，甚麼污點皺紋等也沒有，而是聖潔沒有瑕疵的。 28 丈夫也應當這樣愛妻子，好像愛自己的身體一樣。愛妻子的，就是愛自己了 ” To understand this passage, we need to understand the wedding process in the first century Jewish society. Actually, it is very similar to the Chinese tradition.

First there is the betrothal which is more binding than the western engagement. It is legally binding. After the betrothal, comes the preparation leading to the wedding feast. On that wedding day, the groom will go to the bride’s home, and bring her to the place of the feast. We notice that after the betrothal, the bride to be has become the center of attention. To make herself beautiful and be presented in the wedding feast. The eyes of the entire village will be on her. She will be the delight of the groom.

This is Christ’s relationship with the church. Christ has chosen and called us to follow him. He brought us into his family on earth, His family, which is composed of all those who have put their faith in him. This is like the betrothal, we belong to Him. In the Bible the church is also called His bride. We are now awaiting him his return to take us to the final, huge and glorious wedding feast in heaven. On that day, He will present his church, His bride to the heavenly father. This is the banquet Jesus taught about, the banquet John described in the book of Revelation. While we are waiting on earth for him to return, His eyes are upon us, His spirit is helping us to grow spiritually, becoming more and more like Him. He delights in us. This is what we call the sanctification process. Spiritually we’ll be more attractiver day after day. On that day, when we are presented to Christ, we’ll be as glorified and complete as He is; without any blemish.

This is how the husband is to love his wife. He is to do whatever he can to help and encourage his wife to blossom, to become mature, to fully utilize the gifts God has given her. His eyes are upon her, she is his delight. Husbands among us, we don’t do this too well, do we? We hear wives telling us that my husband won’t let me go to the Bible study class, he is afraid that I spend too much time with my Christian friends. He won’t let me do more volunteer work to help the poor, the needy and the voiceless ones. I have also stories from some of you that when you returned to a certain city in china, when invited to dinner at a restaurant, some of your friends would bring their girlfriends along and not their wives. The wives stay home but the mistresses got to go to the dinner. What a shame. How wrong it is.

On the other hand, I am also happy to hear wives saying how their husband encourage them to find and develop the gifts God has given them, helping them to grow and be more mature. In counseling young women, I often ask, is your boyfriend encouraging you to grow and mature in the Lord? Or is he a hindrance to your growth?

Husbands among us, if our understanding of this passage is correct, it means that in our marriage, one of our responsibilities to bring our wives to the front stage, to let her shine in her spiritual beauty, to delight in her, to let her become the person God wants her to be. Just as Christ uplifts His church, imperfect as we are.

Conclusion:

  To the men among us who are waiting to be married. I understand that you have a list of requirements for you future wife. Usually the younger you are, the longer the list. And as you get older, the list will become shorter and shorter. I understand it is important to know some of your expectations for the future wife. Yet, the question I’ll pose to you is this, if and when God in His time brings you the right person, are you able to love her as Christ loves you? Are you willing and able to love her by helping her to shine, sometimes even brighter than you and to delight in her?

To the sisters among us who are also waiting to be married. What kind of men are you looking for? Not just someone who can meet your needs, but can this man love you like Christ, with your well-being in mind? Can this person help you to grow spiritually and delight in seeing your maturity?

Certainly this is what we parents need to teach our children. When they are young, they are to learn the kind of husband they should be when they grow up and what they are to look in a man.

Now, to the husbands among us. If you are like me, you probably will say, yes, it is ideal but how can anyone do that? I wish there is another way to interpret this passage. No matter how you look at this, the conclusion is that we are to love our wives just as Christ has loved the church. And you know the key to this? Each one of us, will have to personally know and experience how Christ loved and died for me on the cross. Not only that, but His eyes are always on me, cleansing me and enabling me to overcome my sins, helping me to grow daily. In this process, He has great delight in me. Only as we experience this, then with his help we are able to turn around and love our wives.

For this reason, the correct biblical understanding of a husband’s role in marriage can only be preached in the context of Christ’s sacrificial love for us. Therefore, this message will not be well received in a Chinese community, Jewish synagogue or Muslim mosque. For the husband’s love for his wife begins with the Cross.