Date:   06/20/10

Text:   1 Timothy 3:4-5

Title:   Father as a Manager

Theme: Fathers are to be leaders at home.

Introduction:

  On Thursday I came across an article, “Dads, Stand Up”. I don't recall reading anything like this on Mother's Day, “Moms, Stand Up”. Well, this “Dads Stand Up” is about a movement from the National Family Council, called ‘Dads for Life'. Once you are a father, you will always be a father to your children, fathers are for life. This means that on every Father's Day, we'll continue to get ties, shirts and screw drivers from our spouses and children. We'll continue to go out and eat with the family, and paying the bills. For those fathers with thick skin, we may even hint at what is on our wish list. Come to think of it, why doesn't anyone come up with Father's day registry at Best, Amazon or even the Apple Store?

Well, among many things, it also means that on every Father's Day, we are to listen to lectures and sermons on how to stand up and be better fathers. I have a feeling that the fathers among us are probably thinking, “So, where have you been? I have been a good or at least a decent father every day, or most of the time.”

So, what shall we do today? I have been thinking about this for a few months. About two weeks ago, it occurred to me that in our study of church leadership, 1 Timothy 3:1-13, we have come across vs.4-5 several times. No doubt, this is a familiar verse that comes up whenever the qualification of church leadership is discussed. Yet, not too many of us, including myself, have taken time to unpack the content of this verse. We just assume that one quality of a leader is to manage his family well. But what does it mean to manage well one's family well? So I thought this morning, let's come together and listen to what God has to say to us. So, this is not just to the fathers, but to those who will become fathers 5, 10 years from now. From this it will also enrich our understanding of what it means to be a leader in God's church.

I •  A father is to govern his family.

Vs.4, “ 4 He must manage his own household well, with all dignity keeping his children submissive,..”Let's first take a look at the Greek word translated ‘Manage'. It has two parts, one is to supervise, meaning to rule, to govern. So, first, a father is the one who rules, governs at home.

This is quite contrary to the Chinese traditions. There is a Chinese saying, “ ???,???? ” It's deeply ingrained in us. However, this is not unique just to the Chinese mind set, we find this in the western world as well. This leads to the phenomenon that the fathers end up doing minimal at home. We have sayings that Man is the head of the family, but the wife is the neck. No wonder, on Mother's Day, moms get all the praises and on Father's Day, we are told to stand up. J

The scripture is quite clear on this. Fathers are to lead, govern and supervise his family. We may not be a supervisor at work, but at home we are. Our family, from the two of us to any number of children, is like a small company, and we are the leader.

As a leader, we provide space and freedom for family members to roam, explore and grow. Knowing human sinful nature, a leader will also provide clear restrictions to prevent sins from cropping up in our lives. There is a good balance of freedom and restraint. Isn't this how our heavenly father leads us? He gives us freedom to grow into his likeness. He also set clear boundaries by his laws to restrain our sinful behaviors.

This is where Eli the priest in the OT failed miserably. He was a God fearing man, yet he failed to lead his two sons. They were corrupt and blasphemed God in the temple. This is how the scripture described Eli. 1 Sam 3:13, “ 13 And I declare to him that I am about to punish his house forever, for the iniquity that he knew, because his sons were blaspheming God, and he did not restrain them.” In Eli's house, there was too much freedom, and no restrictions.

As leaders, our direction for the family is to forge godly characters in our family members rather than cultivate success at all costs.

As leaders we may also want to ask, is our family following us? I like a quotation from John Maxwell, “if you are leading and no one is following you, then you are just taking a walk.” You know, hardly a week goes by that I would not be thinking of this statement. Yes, I am a leader at church, but are people following, or I am just taking a walk? Yes, I am a leader at home and have been one for many years; do my family members follow me? Or have I been taking a long walk all these years?

The scriptures mandate that the fathers are leaders, rulers and supervisors at home. Now, let's move on and see what kind of leaders we are.

II •  The father is to govern his family with a nurturing heart.

Yes, we are leaders, but what kind? I have seen fathers like a drill sergeant, barking out orders left and right, ruling the family with a iron clad fist. There are fathers like Sherlock Holmes, non-stop asking questions, wanting to know every detail of the children and spouses' whereabouts. There are fathers like magicians, not wanting to face up to real issues, living in denial. Then you have fathers like a Guru, constantly giving out advices.

So, what is the scriptures instruction on this? What kind of leader should a father be? Let's go back to the Greek word, “manage”. We have seen that the first part means to supervise, to rule and govern. The second part means to nurture. So, the father is to supervise, to rule his family with nurture. What is involved in this nurturing? From popular books, we read of ‘Affirmation', ‘Acceptance', ‘Appreciation', ‘Availability', ‘Affection' and ‘Accountability'. Certainly there are many other topics we can think of, but this morning I want to just look at the bigger picture.

In essence, to nurture is to care for children and the spouse according to their needs. We can think of their need for affirmation, for unconditional love and acceptance, for guidance and protection. Now, as fathers, as leaders/supervisors at home, are we caring for our family members according to their needs? Or are we only focusing on our needs and wants; feeling that everyone owes us something? There is one other place in the scripture where this word, nurture is used.

In Luke 10:33-34, “ 33 But a Samaritan, as he journeyed, came to where he was, and when he saw him, he had compassion." 34 "He went to him and bound up his wounds, pouring on oil and wine. Then he set him on his own animal and brought him to an inn and took care of him. ” We are familiar with the Good Samaritan story. A traveler was robbed, beaten and left lying on the ground. Mostly likely he was a Jew. We read with surprise how the priest and Levite took a look and walk passed the wounded traveler. They must have their own reasons for doing so. They may have had a train or horse buggy to catch, a meeting to attend, that they could not afford to stop to offer a helping hand. Then a Samaritan, a non-Jew came along and showed mercy on him. In vs 34 we read that, “and took care of him " The words translated ‘took care' is the second part of the Greek word “Manage”, to nurture. The Samaritan's taking care of the traveler included stopping what he was doing, interrupt his travel plan in order to care for his wounds, put the traveler on his animal, hence meaning that he had to walk and take money out of his pocket to place him in a motel. To care for this wounded traveler, the Samaritan had to sacrifice his time, his original plan and financial resources.

This is the leader the scriptures talk about. Someone who supervise and rules with a nurturing spirit. This is what is expected of an elder at church, a father at home. Isn't this what fatherhood is about? It is a self-giving care for our spouse and children. Instead of focusing on my wants and needs, we look out for the needs of our family members. Instead of asking them to cater towards us, we are to cater towards them.

This means there are times we have to put down what we are doing and listen to our family members, and help them with what they are doing. There are times we may need to sacrifice our needs and wants for privacy in order to be with them. Isn't it true that very often fathers get annoyed and angered because our plans are disrupted by family members? We are angry and mad because they are late, or refuse to cooperate with us. At times Cynthia would say to me, “you got all worked up for the wrong reasons.” Very often it is for all the selfish reasons.

III •  The father is to govern with dignity.

“ 4 He must manage his own household well, with all dignity keeping his children submissive..” What does a family look like when it is properly managed? The children will submit to their fathers. I have seen families where children are very submissive to their fathers, but with great fear and trembling, because the fathers ruled with iron fists. However, true submission is a matter of the heart, right?

A 3 year old girl called Lisa was given time out by her mother. She was told to sit down and keep quiet. After a little while, Lisa raised her hand. “What is the matter?” asked the mom. Lisa replied, “Lisa is sitting down, but inside, Lisa is standing up.” Very often we are like that, externally we submit to our fathers or mothers, but inside, on the contrary, we are raising our fists. A father who manages his family well, will have his children submit to him from their hearts.

Again, we ask how to keep our children submissive. Fathers are to treat their children with dignity. I want to briefly review with you what it means to treat our children with dignity. The same applies to what it means for the elders to treat the church members with dignity. The basis for treating our children with dignity is the foundational truth that they are created in God's image. Each of our children is God's image bearer. When I see them as God's image bearer this will lead to respect.

When I respect my children, I will try to be fair to them. I will also be consistent in disciplining them. Too often we see fathers who claim to discipline their children, but their standards changes from day to day.

When I respect my children, I will listen more and talk less. There are times I regret that I did not spend more time listening to my children; instead, I was busy passing out my opinions and judgments. When I respect them, I will be sensitive to their feelings. I want to learn to see their world through their eyes. So often we hear fathers say, “When I was young, my parents never treated me this way, this is the only way I know, this is how I operate.” These are insensitive words. We are to learn to feel their pain and frustrations through their skin. We'll be using words such as: it must hurt when he broke up with you, it must be disappointing that you didn't get that grade or that job.

As we respect our children, we will also be merciful to them. When they have disappointed us, instead of lashing out our anger at them, we reach out to them; we bend over to pick them up. We do it once, twice, thrice, and we keep doing it.

When I treat my children with dignity, I will also be patient with them. There are times when our children will be rebellious towards us and God. Sometimes it last two or three years, other times it may last 30 or 40 more years. What do we do? Be patient and never give up praying for them.

Conclusion:

  Once we are a father, we are fathers for life. Some of us have become fathers for just a few months, others for a few years or 37 years for me. One thing we have in common: there is always something new to learn. As I look back, I realized that for many years, I never looked at myself as a leader in the family. You see, growing up in the 60's we didn't care for any kind of leaders and authorities. So, leadership was a very foreign and ‘establishment' idea. We advocated equality in the society, at school, at church and in families. In the family, we were fathers, yes, but leaders (?), not really. As I matured and grow spiritually, I began to see that whether or not I liked it, I am a leader at home. The question is really am I a good or bad leader. Am I a leader that helps my children to grow and blossom or a leader that stifles their development? I am also thankful that I have seen many fathers both in this and other churches have taken up the responsibility of being a leader in their families.

  Today's scripture lesson clearly instructs us that fathers are to rule and lead their families. This leadership is to be carried out with a nurturing and caring heart. Fathers are to lead, to manage their family with dignity that the spouse and children will truly submit.

  Having said this, it is also important to remember that we do not manage or lead our family, with the purpose of keeping them submissive. Our responsibility is, with God's help, to do what is right, and to lead with dignity. And when our children have grown up, they have to make their own life choices. Sometimes, their choices can deeply hurt us. Human experience has shown us there are times even when we lead our family with the utmost integrity, care and dignity, our children may turn out differently from our expectations. We have seen fathers whose hearts were greatly hurt by their children.

When we turn to the scriptures, we see good fathers having good and godly sons; good and godly fathers having ungodly sons; bad and ungodly fathers having bad sons; bad fathers having good and godly sons. Why? Simply that human experiences point out the inadequacy of human fathers. They also point us to the need for a perfect father that can help us become the father we should be.

  Our heavenly father is the one who leads/rules us with that perfect balance of freedom and restraint. He is the one who is the true promise keeper, nurtures and cares for us. He treats us with great dignity thus deserving our total obedience. On this Father's day, let us not overly glorify our fathers or belittle them. Let our strengths and weaknesses, including our fathers' frailties, point us to our heavenly father.