Date: 8/1/04
Text: John 15:15
Title: Friendship--- the crown of life
Theme: Since
Friendship is the highest form of human relationship, it is our challenge to
maintain the friendships we have.
Introduction:
One thing impresses me most about weddings is: Friends. They would travel from all over the country and even overseas to participate in the celebrations. This echoes C. S. Lewis's words, "Friendship is the greatest of worldly goods. Certainly to me, is the chief happiness in life."
In
the scriptures, we learn that God called Abraham and Moses his friends. During
the last few days of Jesus' life on earth, he said to the disciples, "No longer do I call you servants, for the servant does not know
what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all that I have
heard from my Father I have made known to you." John 15:15. Can you
imagine the honor the disciples must have felt, to be called friends by the
Creator and the Redeemer? No
wonder, C. S. Lewis writes in the Four Loves,
"To the Ancients, Friendship seemed the happiest and most fully human of
all loves; the crown of life and the school of virtue."
I
remember when I first entered ministry 22 years ago, my prayer was that God
would help me to be friends with those he has called me to serve. Even to this
day, it is still my desire to be your friend and your pastor.
However,
down the years, I have also learned how difficult it is to build and maintain
friendships. Sometimes it is due to our own brokenness, bringing different
unrealistic expectations into the relationships. In addition, our mobile
society is not much help here.
The
book of Proverbs has plenty to say about friendship. This morning, we'll turn
to some of its words of wisdom to help us make and maintain friendships.
I. Friendship
needs to be selective.
13:20,
"Whoever walks with the wise becomes wise, but the
companion of fools will suffer harm." 22:24-25, "Make no friendship with a man given to anger, nor go with a wrathful man, lest you
learn his ways and entangle yourself
in a snare." These passages tell us about the importance of selecting whom
to be your friends. The wrong crowd can get you into trouble. Yes, we can and
should exert positive influence on others. Yet it is easier to be influenced in
a negative way, because within each of us is the propensity to stray and do
evil. In the Chinese folk lore, there is the story of how Mencius' mother would move 3 times
so he could be with the right
friends. Parents always have the concern that their children go out with the
right kind of friends. Yes, we all need friends, but make sure we are
selective.
II. Friendship
needs to be nurtured.
Now, what do we do with the friends we have? It is like that Boston Fern you bought last week. You have to water and fertilize it, allow just the right amount of light, so it will grow. We are to make an effort to nurture and develop certain characteristics and quality into it. All of these characteristics are also a part of the husband and wife relationship. The first of these characteristics is:
1. Permanency in relationship.
14:20, "The poor is disliked even by his
neighbor, but the rich has many friends." 19:4,6,7a, "Wealth brings many new friends, but a poor man is deserted by his
friend…. 6Many seek the favor
of a generous man, and everyone is
a friend to a man who gives gifts. All a poor man’s brothers hate him;.."
These
are universal statements. It points out the reality of "fair weather
friends". When you are rich and successful, you will be surrounded by
friends. Everyone claims to know you. In 1998, Daniel Tsui, an alumni of
18:24, "A man of many companions may come to
ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother." 17:17, "A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for
adversity."
A true friendship is one that is always there, in good and bad times. This is
constancy. Several years ago, I read a book called, "Deep Friendship of ¼
century 同行1/4 世紀" It's about
the friendship between two well-known men--- a doctor and a journalist in HK.
They befriended each other during the college days and their friendship lasted
25 years. Several years ago, when the doctor was dying in the hospital, his
journalist friend was there with him till his last breath. And then when the
journalist friend became ill, the doctor's wife was there with him. The doctor
was a Christian while the journalist was not. But prior to his death, the
journalist also became a believer. It was a very touching relationship between
two friends. This is constancy or permanency in friendship. We stick with each
other through the ups and downs in life. A far cry from fair weather friends. Another
aspect of constancy in Friendship is:
27:10 says, "Do not forsake your friend and your
father’s friend." The writer says, don't neglect your old friends. In our
busy schedules, it is so easy to lose touch with friends. So, make an effort to
keep up with them. Moreover, it also talks about parent's friends. This sounds
quite strange to us, right? We hardly have time for our own friends, not to
mention parent's friends. I began to appreciate more and more when I see my
older brother and sister making an extra effort to keep up with some of my
parents' close friends. It brings a sense of continuity in life.
3:27-28, "Do not withhold good from those to whom
it is due, when it is in your power to do it. Do not say to your neighbor, “Go, and
come again, tomorrow I will give it”—when you have it with you." In other words,
to cultivate constancy in friendship, we are to be generous in offering help to
our friends. When you watch some of the TV sitcoms: Friends, Seinfeld or some Japanese
shows, friendship is often depicted as: when a friend is in need, all the other
friends will rise up to the occasion and help, at all times. This echoes what
the scriptures teach us: To maintain permanency in friendship, Be generous and
sacrificial in helping our friends when there is a proper need.
2. Honesty
and Openness
Besides
constancy, 27:6, "Faithful are the wounds of a
friend; profuse are the kisses of
an enemy."
29:5, "A man who flatters
his neighbor spreads a net for his feet." 28:23, "Whoever rebukes a man will afterward find more favor than he who
flatters with his tongue."11:12, "Whoever belittles his
neighbor lacks sense, but a man of
understanding remains silent."
Simply
put, a friend will tell you like it is. There is no beating around the bush. When
you see your friend doing something wrong, you are to be open and frank with
him/her. Often people will come to me and say, "pastor, I have a friend
who is doing something that I don't think is right. Do you think you can talk
to him?" My typical response is: "you have heard and seen it first
hand. You are in the best position to tell him/her that it is wrong; it is not
pleasing to God." Yes, not too many of us like to tell others, especially
our friends about something that is wrong. But this is what friends are for,
right? When your friends point our some blind spots in your life, learn to
accept and thank them for their candor. It is good for you.
Of
course, there are times, we also need to learn to keep our mouth shut. We have
pointed out what is wrong is his/her life, give them time to think about it. Don't
nag them.
3. Wise counsel.
27:9, Oil and perfume make the heart glad, and the sweetness of a friend
comes from his earnest counsel." The word counsel means to help form good and godly plans
and decisions. C. S. Lewis writes, "The next best thing to being wise
oneself is to live in a circle of those who are." We need friends to help us make good and
godly decisions. 1 Sam 23:16, "And Jonathan, Saul’s
son, rose and went to David at Horesh, and strengthened his hand in God." Jonathan
helped and encouraged David when he was discouraged. I always thank God for
some of the friends he has provided for Cynthia and me in this church. When I
find myself at a cross roads and confused, they help me to think through things
clearly so I can make the right decision. Friends help friends to make godly
plans and decisions.
Having
said this, however, there are also times when friends' words are not
necessarily the most pleasant to our ears. Or sometimes, their personalities
may rub us the wrong way. I am very relational, but you are a driver. You come
across as someone who is pushy and at times I may feel offended. What does
Proverb say to this? 27:17, "Iron sharpens iron,
and one man sharpens another." When friends rub us the wrong way, it is like two pieces of
iron rubbing against each other. the outcome? The iron gets sharpened. When friends
rubbing against each other; it will cause us to be stronger and more mature.
4. Be sensitive to
each other.
25:17, "Let your foot be seldom in your
neighbor’s house, lest he have his fill of you and hate you." My modern
translation is: Let your emails be few in your friends inbox, lest his inbox is
full of your mail and he will delete them all." In other words, don't
impose friendship on others; don't force it. Don't overstay. Give it time to develop.
Be sensitive to others privacy and their boundaries. Each person has his/her
own schedule and way of doing things. Be sensitive and respectful to them. Along
the same line
26:18-19, "Like a madman who throws firebrands,
arrows, and death is the man who deceives his neighbor and says, “I am only
joking!”"
I feel that sometimes among friends, this is a fairly common occurrence. We
carry our jokes too far. We started out as some casual innocent jokes about
weight and height and then….. . And the next thing we know is that we have hurt
our friends. Yes, we can have fun and joke around. But don't carry it too far.
Be sensitive to their feelings.
III. Friendship
needs to be protected.
We
have seen some of the characteristics one needs to develop in friendship. It
requires hard work. 17:9, Whoever covers an offense seeks
love, but he who repeats a matter separates close friends." 16:28, "A dishonest man spreads strife, and a
whisperer separates close friends. " These and other passages also tell us that friendship can
be ruined. We know this well, right? Individuals who used to be buddy buddy;
now have become strangers to each other. It is sad. How do we protect
friendship? There are two simple suggestions:
1.
When you feel betrayed or hurt, learn to forgive the other person,
forget about it and move on. True friends forgive each other, just as God
forgives us in Jesus Christ.
2.
Don't listen to
gossip. And moreover don't be a gossiper. If you see something that concerns
you, talk to your friend directly. Don't say to others that, have you noticed…..have
you heard……
IV. Enemies
in life.
Then
finally, how about enemies? 24:17-18, "Do not rejoice when your enemy falls, and let not your heart be glad
when he stumbles,.." 25:21-22, "If your enemy is hungry, give him bread to eat, and if he is thirsty, give him water to
drink,…" 16:7, "When a man’s ways please the Lord, he
makes even his enemies to be at peace with him."
This
and other passages, including Jesus' teaching, is really telling us that others
may consider us as their enemies, but we are not to consider anyone as our
enemies. We are to love and care for those in need, including those who may dislike
us. Do we have any enemies? The scriptural teaching seems to be clear, doesn't
it? No, we don't have enemies. However, the only exception, will be the enemy
of Truth. And moreover, when we reach out and love those who do not love us, we
may even win them and make peace with them.
Conclusion:
We
all want to have friends. May be this is the reason why shows like Friends and
Seinfeld are so popular among the young adults. These shows are not a true
reflection of the real world. Instead they reflect the need for friendship. We
are to remember not to take our queue from
At Robin and Sabrina's wedding, I was so
impressed with their friends. Cynthia and I are so happy to see them have so
many of you as their friends. It is truly their blessing.
The scriptures also remind us the need to
nurture and protect friendship. Certainly we all want others to be our friends.
We want them to be consistent, open, wise and sensitive towards us. We don't
want them to hurt us. How about shifting our paradigm this morning? Instead of seeking
and expecting others to be that ideal friend, how about asking God to help us to
be permanent, open, wise and sensitive to others? So that others can point to us and say,
we are indeed their friends.
Note: Credit to:
Kidner's
Commentary
Collins'
class notes