Reflections on Fatherhood

As our heavenly father deals with us, so are we to do the same with our children.

1 Thessalonians 2:11-12


Introduction:

Some times the more difficult part of Father's day may be trying to find the perfect card that speaks your heart. Last week's Newsweek magazine ran an article on Jimmy Lee. He was running the booming investment-banking business at Chase Manhattan. He worked 17-hour days, keeping 6 cell phones humming. His clients including AT&T and GM. He made $20 million last year and nicknamed Jimmy Fee. Forbes magazine put him on the cover, crowing him "The New Power on Wall Street". He had 3 children: a 18 year old high school senior, 16 year old Jamie and 9 year old Izzy. He is up at 5am each day, prides himself in getting to the office first and literally switching on the lights. Usually the last to leave, he arrives at his Conn. home at 10pm. The job of rearing his 3 children fell to his wife of 20 years. Even when he coached his son's Little League team, he would race back to Manhattan after each game. He says, "I felt proud of it."

Then something happened last December. While he was meeting with Cisco System's CEO, he was interrupted with an urgent phone call from his oldest daughter. Fearing for the worst, he rushed to take the call in a private office. But it turned out to be good news: she had been accepted to Williams College. Lee was overcome with emotions, but it was not tears of joy. It was anguish that he wasn't there to hug his daughter and had missed another important moment in her life. Sitting in that private office, he asked himself, "where did the years go? I had not gone to one parent-teacher conference at her school. I didn't know any of her teachers' names. I just wasn't involved." It was the same with his other children. "my little one, I didn't even know what grade she was going into, " his eyes were rimming with tears.

This experience forced him to take a look at his family life. He gave himself an A+ on the job, but a C- at home.

Do you ever feel the tension between work and family? If you want to excel and advance at work, you won't be able to spend much time with your wife and children. For many years, women in this country have struggled hard to find time between career and family. And now, more and more men are facing the same struggle.

On this Father's day, I would like to spend some time with you, fathers, to review and to reacquaint ourselves on some of the basics in fatherhood.

On last year's Father's Day, we looked at 1Thess 2:1-12, in the context of What Is Man (male). Today we want to focus on vs 11-12. "For you know that we dealt with each of you as a father deals with his own children, encouraging, comforting and urging you to live lives worthy of God, who calls you into his kingdom and glory."

Our first reaction is probably, "what does Paul know about fatherhood. He wasn't even married, not to say being a father. What did he know?" Before we jump to any conclusion, let us take another look at these two verses. He is actually saying I am dealing with you like a father dealing with his children. I learn this from other fathers. And then on a closer look at how fathers deal with their children: his own children, encouraging, comforting, and urging. Don't they actually reflect how God, the heavenly father deals with his children?

You see, in today's world, we have a tendency to define God's fatherly nature according to our own experience. If I have a good relationship with my father, then I say this is how my heavenly father is. If my relationship with my father is distant, detached or even abusive, then I conclude that this is how God relates to me. Instead, we're to define our fatherly role according to how our heavenly father treats us.

With this as our perspective, let's explore what some of our fatherly roles are.

I. Father's ownership of the children.

"as a father deals with his own children" Here we want to focus on "own" children. The father does not just make a baby with his wife; this baby belongs to him. This is his own child.

What do you do when you own a car, a house, or a business? You take good care of it. Do you still remember when you saw the first scratch mark on your new car? If its your wife that did it, remember the words that came out of your mouth? What if you caused that? If we own something, we treat it very carefully, for it is very important to us.

I asked my prison fellowship partner, "tell me about your impression of your father." He thought for a long while and said, "I can't. The only thing I remembered was when he gave me a lollipop." He seldom saw his father. He never felt he was important to his father, not to mention a sense of belonging.

In John 13:1, " Having loved his own who were in the world, he now showed them the full extent of his love." What did Jesus do to those whom belong to him? He loved us, and continued to love till the end, to the full extent. To him, we are very important. He is very consistent and persistent in loving us. He is always trustworthy in his love for us. When we belong to him, we feel important and secure.

Chen Sui Bien, president of Taiwan, while attending his daughter's college graduation said, "This is more important than my presidential inauguration." One can imagine how his daughter must felt on that day. Many of us know Steve Case, president of AOL. His brother Dan Case is the head of an investment bank. Recently, he cancelled a meeting with king of Jordan, to attend his son's preschool graduation. Can you imagine how this son will feel when one day he found out that he was more important than the king of Jordan! Dan Case said, "if there is no balance in life, what is the point of rank and riches?"

Not too many of us have the opportunity of canceling a meeting with a king or president in order to attend our children's activity. But when we understand that our children belong to us, we'll then do our best to protect them, to look out for their well-being.

We'll spend time with our children, doing things that are important to them. As they grow older, we learn to accept and respect their decisions, even though we may not agree with them.

Our children belong to us and they need to know and feel that they are important to us. They are a priority in our lives.

II. Father as an encourager.

"As a father encourages his own children..." From the hermeneutical perspective, we must try not to make too much distinction between encouraging and comforting. At times their usage are inter changeable. But this morning, I want to treat these two words separately.

In the early church, there was a time when Timothy felt discouraged with his ministry. He was in his 40's but considered young in that culture. He might have been despised and looked down by others. He might have even entertained the thought of quitting. So Paul wrote to him. Paul did not say, how could you even entertain such thoughts? Why couldn't you stand up to them? Timothy, I am disappointed with you. No, none of that, instead,1 Timothy 4:12, "Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity." Paul encouraged him, telling him that he could lead that congregation. He could be an example to them.

When do our children need encouragement? When things don't go their way, when they are overwhelmed by self-doubt or when criticized by others. When they feel they can't continue to progress, or not knowing what their future direction is. Isn't it easy for us to say, "don't you think its time you get your acts straight?", "Can't you even handle that? What is the big deal? Look at John, he doesn't have any problems", "you are a man, aren't you?"

Instead, as a father, we encourage them by saying, "Yes, its difficult, but I am sure you can make it.", "don't give up, give it another try", "you miss it by just 3 points, next time you will make it."

III. Father as a comforter.

For both the children and adult alike, we live in a very difficult world. So often I find myself saying, boy, am I glad I grew up in the 60's. Back then; life was so much simpler. Nowadays, our children not only have to resist those specific temptations such as: drugs, sex and other immoral behaviors. They also have to counter a set of value systems that are so different from the parents and their Christian upbringing. Then some times half of their friends come from single families or have changed their last names several times. Living in such condition, sometimes its indeed difficult to know what is right and wrong. How can it be so wrong when everyone else is doing it?

When they are confused, or when they falter and fail, when they are hurt, where do they turn to? Do they come to us or they are afraid that we may get mad and lecture them? Again, we ask, how does God comfort us when we fail, when we are hurt and broken? Isaiah 42:3 A bruised reed he will not break, and a smoldering wick he will not snuff out. In faithfulness he will bring forth justice". This is how he comfort us. When we are in deep waters, he tells us: Isaiah 43:2-4, "When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the LORD, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior; ............Since you are precious and honored in my sight, and because I love you.......... When we worry about future, Jesus said, John 14:1-2, "Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me."

One of the difficulties we fathers face is when our children are hurt or discouraged, we tend to look at their situation through our adult eyes. So even though our intention is to encourage and comfort, our words came out as harsh, judgmental and insensitive. "How could you have done this?" So what can we do to sharpen our skill of encouragement and comfort? A simple suggestion: learn to see our children's world through their eyes, feel their pain through their skin. When we do this, we will begin to be careful about the words we use and they will feel that we understand what they are going through. This is how they are encouraged and comforted.

IV. Father as an instructor.

We have seen a father as an encourager and comforter. To what end? In other words, what is our objective? In my pre-marital counseling sessions, I often ask the young couple what are some of their parents' expectation of them? The answer is quite straight forward: to study well, to study well so I can go to US for graduate studies, then I should get a good job and a green card, then settle down, start a family and live happily ever after.

But what do we learn from Paul? I urge you to live a life worthy of God's calling. I want you to live in such a way that will reflect God's glory, love and perfection. Isn't this what Jesus taught? You are to be perfect like your heavenly father. A father's instruction is to help his children develop characters and life style that reflects God's glory, love and beauty. His priority is to help his children become the kind of person God wants them to be, rather than what they should have or possess. We don't do too well on this, right?

In January, my professor shared with me about his teenage daughter. She studied very hard with very good grades. But one semester he noticed that she had been neglecting her relationship with some of her friends. And this was what he told her, "Next semester I don't want a straight A report card. I want to see you spend more time with your friends, to treasure those relationships." It's unbelievable, isn't it? But this professor knows what is important in life.

What are you urging your child to do and to become?

Conclusion:

On this Father's Day, I can't help but think of the young men in the Sugar Land prison. Over 90% of them have no idea what a father is like. Some don't even know who their father is. And consequently, they do not know how to be a father. Many of them, after they made the babies, just took off.

Being a father is not easy. Remember Jimmy Lee? Since the rude awakening last December, he started to make changes in his lifestyle. Two weeks ago, his investment bank acquired another investment firm. And a different person was named to be the head. What happened to Lee? Lee agreed to share the power with the new head. This is very rare in Wall Street. Why did he do that? So he has the opportunity to make it to all those parent-teacher conferences and dance recitals he'd been missing. Two Thursdays ago, he took his youngest daughter to her school's art fair-one of his first visits ever to her school. He still starts his workday before dawn, but now he tries to get home in time for dinner. He is still a driven man at work, but now he says, "what I have to do is funnel some of my drive into my personal life." He saw the importance of being a father, and he made changes to fulfill the fatherly role.

I feel many of us are also driven men. We do well in our careers and business. We find ourselves caught in the middle of the family and work dilemma. But may be what we need to do is to funnel some of our drive for work back to our families.

You know, when we encourage and comfort our children who belong to us, instructing them to live a life reflecting God's beauty and glory, we are becoming more like our heavenly father. As our children experience our love and care for them, it will make them so much more easier to understand and appreciate God, who is also their heavenly father. And you know what? When our children feel that they are important to us, experiencing comfort and encouragement from us, it will also be so much easier for them to pick that perfect Father's Day card.

Rev. William Hsueh    June 18, 2000    Houston Chinese Church,  Houston, Texas