House Code in the New Society(4)-- Children's Responsebility

 

Ephesians 6: 1-3


 

Introduction:

     The Chinese culture is full of stories about children honoring their parents. One cold winter, a sick mother was yearning to eat fish. So the son went to the frozen lake, took his clothes off and lay on the ice. His body warmth melted the ice, and he was able to catch a trout for his mother. Modern day son will probably use a chain saw to cut a hole.

     There was also a son who cut off a piece of his thigh and made a pot of stew for his mother. Another son, took off his clothes in the summer and laid on the ground by his father’s bed so the mosquitoes would feast on him instead of the father. A 70-year-old son wore a colorful gown dancing in front of his parents to entertain them.

     These stories can certainly make us feel guilty, right?

     In our study of the book of Ephesians, we learned that God had gathered his redeemed children to form a new society. In this new community, his children are to restore God's glory and beauty that was lost because of men’s sin. God provides us with guidelines regarding how we are to live in this new society. He shows us how husbands and wives are to live in love and submission. He reminds us of the father’s responsibility in showing tender love to his children. 

     This morning we come to the children’s responsibility towards their parents. The word obey in vs1 is a very strong verb, much stronger than submission. Submission does not mean obedience.

 

I.Children’s obedience in the context of the Natural Law.

     Ancient Greek and Roman philosophies stressed the importance of children obeying their parents. In almost all civilizations, children’s obedience to parents is considered as the very foundation of the society’s ethical system. This is written in human hearts, therefore considered as a part of the natural law. Those of us from China certainly are aware of the importance of filial responsibilities to our parents. The stories I mentioned earlier are found in the collection of “24 filial children”. Many of us have heard these stories either from our teachers or parents at a very early age.

     Children’s obedience to their parents is considered as the key to a stable society. When children fail to obey their parents, there is chaos at home which will lead to chaos at school and later in the society. In 2 Timothy 3:2, Paul wrote: “People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy,” One characteristic of a decadent society is children refusing to obey their parents.

 

II.Children’s obedience in the context of the Revealed Law.

     Children’s obedience is not only written in human hearts, but also written in the law God gave to the Israelites. The 5th commandment states, “honor your parents”. Very often we divide the 10 commandments into the first 4 referring to our duty to God and the remaining 6 as our duty to man. In the Jewish tradition, the first 5 commandments are our duty to God, and the remaining are our duty to man. Therefore as part of our duty to God we are to honor our parents.

     To children, parents are like God, providing protection and love for them. They are symbol of God's authority and love. Parental authority is delegated from God. For this reason, in the OT law, it states that anyone who curses, or rebels against the parents will be stoned to death.   Yet, in the OT there was no record of such incident ever having occurred.

     In vs 2 we also learned about the consequence of obeying and honoring one’s parents. “Which is the first commandment with a promise, that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on earth.” The word “first” does not mean order, but rather signifies its importance. The promise of long life and go well, can be taken to mean a stable community.

     Now we need to ask, what does it mean to obey parents? Is it unconditional obedience? Who are the children?

1. Unconditional obedience?

     If your parents say no to your baptism, then what?  If you are a minor living in a non-Christian home, then the answer is quite simple. You should not be baptized. However, if they forbid you to worship God in your heart, then it becomes a different matter. This is what Jesus refers to in

Matthew 10:35, “For I have come to turn a man against his father, a daughter against her mother, a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law.”

     vs 1 says obey your parents in the Lord. Is it unconditional? It appears not. We obey them as long as it is compatible with the scripture and with our primary loyalty to Jesus Christ. We remember an incident in Jesus’ early childhood when his parents spent 3 days looking for him. When they found him in the Temple, he said, Luke 2:49, “why were you searching for me?” he asked. “didn’t you know I had to be in my Father’s house?” At age 12, he already knew that his primary loyalty was to his heavenly father. Having said that, he listened and went home with them.

If parents tell their children to cooperate in unethical and unlawful behaviors, obedience is out of order.

2. Who are the children?

     Now the second question is: who are the children? In the west, usually 18 years old is the cut off age. When you turn 18, you are considered an adult; you are on your own. In ancient Rome, a child never came of age. No matter how old you were, you were always your parents’ child, therefore you were to listen and obey them. The Chinese are quite similar to this, right?

     Last month I asked a group of senior citizens in the Goldberg Tower, “Until what age do you want you children to listen and obey you? Without any hesitation, one individual said, “there is no age limit. As long as he lives, he is my child, he listens and obeys me.”   A former Japanese prime minister, Sato once was asked if he would run for a third term. He response was, “I need to ask my mother”. He was in his 70’s. It was said that in Japan, the mother and son tie is the strongest bond in the society.

     So who are the children? On the one hand it is true that we are forever our parent’s children. But on the other hand, we also need to know there will come a time, when we have to make certain decisions that may not please our parents. There may come a time when we have to answer God's call into full time ministry even if it is against our parents’ will. One Houston pastor shared that because of his parents’ opposition, he left HK and went to Philippines for his seminary training. 

Every family is different. You will have to decide at what point in life you need to make decisions on your own.

     I also feel that I need to say a few words to the parents among us. The purpose of nurturing our children is that they will grow up and become independent. They will learn to make decisions for themselves and for their families. If you want to intrude and make decisions for them, it will only stunt and delay their growth. We are to learn to let them make decisions, and sometimes even the wrong choices. This is how they will learn. In general, when they are in college, we should let them make their own choices. We should open our hands and let them start to fly away. And when they are married, then definitely they are to make their own decisions. We can offer our opinions, but let them decide what to do.

     As I look back, I realized there was a time I wished my adult son would listen to my advice. Then I thought it was good and reasonable. But one or two years later, I was glad that he didn’t listen to me. Trust and give them the credit that they are capable of making good and sound judgments. Let’s learn not to play God in their lives.

 

III.Children are to honor their parents.

     Honor means to consider as important. So, how do we honor our parents? Certainly, listening and obeying is one form of honoring our parents. I want to be as practical as I can on this issue.

     When we are still young and especially when we stay home with our parents, listening and obeying is a very practical means of honoring them. As a parent, I know how happy I am when my children listen to me. In Luke 2:52, “And Jesus grew in wisdom and stature, and in favor with God and men.” Nothing can bring more joy to parents when they see their children growing in a healthy and balanced manner.

     When we grow older and move away from home, honoring our parents begins to take a different form. If we live in the city, visiting them once or twice a week is important. What if we live hundred of miles away? I put this question to the residents at Goldberg Tower. How often should your children call home? Some said, 4 times a week. But eventually they settled for once or twice a week. Hearing the voice of our children and knowing how they are doing can bring great comfort to parents. Then, there is also the annual visit. Cards for special occasions, such as: birthdays, anniversaries will all mean much to the parents.

     What if our relationship with parents is cold and distant? It certainly makes phone calls and visits difficult or less desirable. Yet, isn’t it true that our honoring our parents really has nothing to do with how close we are to them? Even with a less than ideal relationship, we can still make that phone call. Or find a card that can truly express our feeling without lying.

     Then we have our own children. I still remember back in the 70’s when we had our first son. We both worked and so we brought Francis to a day care. Then sometime later my parents immigrated to this country. This is the best news, right? Now, they can help us with baby-sitting. They could enjoy their grandson while we worked and saved some money. So my parents took care of Francis for a while. Then through my older sister, we found out that mom wasn’t really that keen on taking care of the grandson. Playing with the grandson once a week was great, but every day? Soon after that we brought Francis back to the day care. You see what happened? We wanted the best of both worlds: work plus that extra money, but forgot to be considerate of my parents.

     To honor our parents means that we need to be sensitive to their needs. Respect their need for personal space and life. They have already spent many difficult years in raising us. They have sacrificed much for us. Why would we think that they want to raise our children? And besides, isn’t it our responsibility to sacrifice for and raise our own children? Just remember, not every parent has the energy and patience to care for those energetic grandchildren. Some parents have expressed that they feel exploited by their children.

     Then what happens when parents get older? Should we ask them to come and live with us? Last week at the retreat a young couple shared with me that when their parents retired at 65, the three children decided that the parents should come to the states and live with one of them. Did the parents welcome that idea? They don’t know. Knowing Chinese parents, its hard to turn our children down. But is it really a good way to honor them? Again, I asked the senior citizens. Is living with your children the best way for them to demonstrate that they honor you? Do you know what the answer was? Almost without hesitation, they all raised their hands and shook their heads saying, NO! You see, when parents come to live with us, they know its not their home. They can’t decorate the way they want to. They feel very restricted in many ways. If you let them decorate in the way they want, would you and your spouse like it? If for health reasons they have to live with us, make sure they have their own room where they can do whatever they want with it. While they are healthy, let them live on their own and enjoy their golden years. I remember an elder person told me once, “if I know of this senior citizen’s apartment, I would have moved here a long time ago.”

     I feel we also need to consider some very practical matters. For example when parents come to live with us, how about their medical insurance. As their years continue to progress, health deteriorates, what do we do? Should we bring them into our home and take care of them or should they live in a nursing home? I think of a lady who brought her elderly and sick uncle into her home and took care of him for almost two years before he passed away. Not every family has the physical and emotional resource to do this. We need to discuss this matter with our spouse and decide what to do. Very often, living in a nursing home with constant medical care is a good, but not necessarily the best solution. Each family is different, and each has to make some hard choices when that day comes.

     In summary, honoring our parents mean paying respect to them. Loving them in the way they can understand and appreciate. Honoring our parents may also mean that at times we need to ask for their opinions on certain issues for after all, they had eaten more salt than we have eaten rice. They have had richer life experiences. It also means that we need to treat them with dignity and not just a maid taking care of our house and children so we can both go out to work. Remember they too have their own desire and preferences about life.

 

Conclusion:

     Both our culture and God's culture place high value on children obeying and honoring their parents. We not only have the stories of 24 children honoring their parents, we also have good models around us.

One of our brothers would go to his father’s place every Sunday after church to give him a bath. In STL, the registrar of my seminary was a bachelor. He lived with his elderly and sick parents. For many of years he patiently took care of them. I also think of the one family who would take their elderly parents on a cruise, having fun together.

Last but not least, we have our Lord Jesus Christ. When he was on the cross, seeing his mother standing there with John, he said, “…… dear woman, here is your son,” and to the disciple, “here is your mother.” From that time on, this disciple took her into his home. (John 19:26-27) Even on the cross, in the midst of his pain and suffering, he remembered his mother and made sure that she would be taken care of. This is our example.

As children honor their parents, we are showing the world around us God's glory and beauty that is meant to be in each home.  

 

Rev. William Hsueh    Jul.22, 2001    Houston Chinese Church,  Houston, Texas