Date:   01/30/2011

Text:   Ephesians 5;25-33

Title: The Way of Husband 为夫之道

Theme: Since God has created the marriage institute, the husband’s love for his wife is to be modeled after Christ’s relationship with the church.

Introduction:

  As we continue our theme for this year, this morning we’ll look at the husband’s role in marriage. Every culture has its own rules about the husband and wife relationship. In the Chinese culture, there is the well-known “5 tenants of Ethic” ( 五论 ). It stresses the importance of 5 basic relationships and foundation in a society. They are: 君臣 , 父子，兄弟，夫妇，朋友。 In its original version, there was little content provided in the husband and wife relationship. As time went on, words like love and respect were added to it. Very often love means providing for the family and taking care of the family. Man’s role is to put bread/rice on the table and woman’s role is to take care of the children and domestic chores. Husbands and wives are to treat each other as honorable guests. .

  In the passage we read today, we also see words such as love and respect. Are they the same as what the Chinese think they are? If I am to preach a sermon on love and respect, will this be well received in a Chinese community setting? Will this be well received in a Jewish synagogue, or a Muslim mosque? If yes, then I don’t really need to preach here this morning. I can just ask you to go home and read a book or search on the website.

  However, the key to understand the husband and wife relationship as taught in the scriptures, is to understand the relationship between Christ and the church.

In genesis 2, the passage we studied two Sundays ago, provides us with an overview of what marriage is about. Marriage is an institute God created at the beginning of human history. This marriage between a man and woman is to be understood in the context of man/woman leaving their family of origin and becoming one emotionally and physically. In the rest of the scriptures, both Old and New Testament, God continues to reveals to us the meaning of leaving, cleaving and be united. There are positive and negative examples. There are also more detailed instructions and applications in Jesus'' teaching and later in the epistles.

Ephesians 5 is a familiar passage for many of us. I have referred to it in various wedding ceremonies and fellowship workshops. I have also preached on this passage about 10 years ago. As we read this passage, we notice that the relationship between Christ and the church is to be an example, model of the husband and wife relationship. It’s far more than human understanding of love and respect.

I •  Husband is to love his wife sacrificially.

Vs.25, “ Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her,… 你們作丈夫的，要愛妻子，好像基督愛教會，為教會捨己 ” Let’s try to unpack this love.

1 •  The husband is to be “wife-centered” In the gospel of John, there are 7 Jesus'' “I am” statements. “I am the Bread of Life, I am the light of the world, I am the door for the sheep, I am the good shepherd, I am the way, the truth and the life, I am the vine, I am the resurrection and the life.” then there is Matthew 11:28, “Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. 你們所有勞苦擔重擔的人哪，到我這裡來吧！我必使你們得安息。 ” This is a love that caters towards others’ needs. As fallen beings, we need safety, security, direction and fulfillment in life. We want others to meet these needs. Jesus'' ministry, his being on earth was to meet such needs. It’s other directed. Moreover, he died on the cross, not because of his sins or wrong doings, for he had none. He died so that we can live before God. He died so our sins can be forgiven. Apostle Paul wrote in Romans 5 that Jesus died for us, in order to demonstrate God’s love us. It is all for others. He came so that we can be brought back to God, and have an abundant life.

This is how the husband is to love his wife. His paradigm is that in marriage, he is no longer the center of the world. He did not get married so that from now on he has someone to take care of him and meeting all of his needs. I have often seen husbands who after marriage, don't care to change any of their routine; such as eating habits, hobbies, and time with their friends. When they have children, they expect the wives to take good care of them. If the children misbehaved or do not do well, it is all the wife’s fault. If they do well, he gets all the credit. He doesn’t want to change, so the wife ends up making all the changes. No wonder some wives said, after I got married, I became a servant, a slave. I don’t have my life anymore.

This is not what the scripture says. The husband is to love his wife like Christ loves the church and gave his life for her. As I said before, in today’s world, there are not too many opportunities for us to die for our wives. However, the emphasis is that we are not the center of the world; we are not here to have our wives meet all our needs. Instead, we are to meet her needs. Do we know what her needs are?

25 years ago, William Harley wrote the book, “His Needs, Her Needs”. The five basic needs of women are: affection, communication, financial security, honesty and commitment to family. If some of these needs are not met, no matter how big the diamond, how fancy the car and how large the house you give her, she will feel empty in life.

2 •  The husband is to love thoroughly. In John 13:1, we have these words, “ ………. when Jesus knew that his hour had come to depart out of this world to the Father, having loved his own who were in the world, he loved them to the end. 他既然愛世上屬於自己的人，就愛他們到底。 ” This is a very thorough love. It is a love that is repeated in every wedding vow: “ from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to understand, till death shall part us.

Looking at the world around us, seldom do we see or hear stories about the wife feeling her husband is old, no longer desirable. Thus leaving him for a younger man. On the contrary we see and hear too often of how the husband is attracted to someone younger and prettier than his wife and resulting in divorce. Hospital nurses have also shared that they have seen men wheeling their sick wife to be admitted and never return for her. No, this is not a thorough love.

I have shared this story with you about 4 years back. It is a story I read in a Chinese paper in china. A man in a certain province had a wife who is mentally challenged ( 疯子 ). From time to time she would run away from home and the husband would always go out to look for her and brought her home. But this time, after several days, he still could not find her. The neighbors all said to him that he should just let her go. Even if he found her, she would just give him more trouble. Just leave her alone, they advised. To this, he simply replied, “She is my wife.”

Many of us have also heard the story of Robertson Mcquilkin. He and his wife were missionaries in Japan for 12 years. In 1968, he became the president of Columbia International University in S. Carolina. In the early 80’s, his wife, Muriel, began to show signs of Alzheimer’s. In 1990, he decided to resign from the school and stayed home to care of her. The school asked him to stay and offered to hire full time help for the family. This is what he said, “for the last 42 years, she has followed me wherever God has led us. Now that she is sick, it is my turn and responsibility to take care of her.” He stayed home and took care of Muriel. He would clean up the mess she left behind in the house. About 17 years later, sometime in 2003, a student of his asked, “Don’t you ever get tired of taking of her ?” “Tired? Every night. That’s why I go to bed.” “no, I mean tired…..” He said, “Why, no, I don’t get tired, I love to care for her. She’s my precious.” This is a sacrificial and thorough love.

3 •  A gentle love.

In Colossians 3:19, “ 19 Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them. 你們作丈夫的，要愛妻子，不可苦待她們 ” Here is another aspect of our love for our wives. Do not be harsh with them. Don’t be critical, cynical and bitter towards them. don’t dehumanize your wife. Don’t ever say, 兄弟如手足 , 老婆如衣服 . Treat them with utmost dignity and respect. Be considerate and be sensitive to their physical, emotional and spiritual health. Treat them like you treat someone you don’t know. Or I often remind myself and fellow ministers. That we are generally very courteous and considerate to the female members of the church. No wonder sometimes pastors’ wives would say, I wish I am a member of his congregation. This way, I’ll be treated with courtesy and sensitivity. Husbands, be gentle to your wives.

I think of a wife sharing that her husband constantly abused her verbally in front of her and the children. She knew that her husband made 30 to 40 K a month but never told her where the money was. She felt treated like dirt. This is harsh treatment, very displeasing to God.

We can certainly draw upon other scripture passages to help us understand how husbands are to love their wives like Christ love the church. But now, I want to move to another portion of this passage.

II •  Husbands are to help their wives in the sanctification process.

Vs. 26-28,“ 26 that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27 so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. 28 In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 為的是要用水藉著道把教會洗淨，成為聖潔， 27 可以作榮耀的教會歸給自己，甚麼污點皺紋等也沒有，而是聖潔沒有瑕疵的。 28 丈夫也應當這樣愛妻子，好像愛自己的身體一樣。愛妻子的，就是愛自己了 ” To understand this passage, we need to understand the wedding process in the first century Jewish society. Actually, it is very similar to the Chinese tradition.

First there is the betrothal which is more binding than the western engagement. It is legally binding. After the betrothal, comes the preparation leading to the wedding feast. On that wedding day, the groom will go to the bride’s home, and bring her to the place of the feast. We notice that after the betrothal, the bride to be has become the center of attention. To make herself beautiful and be presented in the wedding feast. The eyes of the entire village will be on her. She will be the delight of the groom.

This is Christ’s relationship with the church. Christ has chosen and called us to follow him. He brought us into his family on earth, His family, which is composed of all those who have put their faith in him. This is like the betrothal, we belong to Him. In the Bible the church is also called His bride. We are now awaiting him his return to take us to the final, huge and glorious wedding feast in heaven. On that day, He will present his church, His bride to the heavenly father. This is the banquet Jesus taught about, the banquet John described in the book of Revelation. While we are waiting on earth for him to return, His eyes are upon us, His spirit is helping us to grow spiritually, becoming more and more like Him. He delights in us. This is what we call the sanctification process. Spiritually we’ll be more attractiver day after day. On that day, when we are presented to Christ, we’ll be as glorified and complete as He is; without any blemish.

This is how the husband is to love his wife. He is to do whatever he can to help and encourage his wife to blossom, to become mature, to fully utilize the gifts God has given her. His eyes are upon her, she is his delight. Husbands among us, we don’t do this too well, do we? We hear wives telling us that my husband won’t let me go to the Bible study class, he is afraid that I spend too much time with my Christian friends. He won’t let me do more volunteer work to help the poor, the needy and the voiceless ones. I have also stories from some of you that when you returned to a certain city in china, when invited to dinner at a restaurant, some of your friends would bring their girlfriends along and not their wives. The wives stay home but the mistresses got to go to the dinner. What a shame. How wrong it is.

On the other hand, I am also happy to hear wives saying how their husband encourage them to find and develop the gifts God has given them, helping them to grow and be more mature. In counseling young women, I often ask, is your boyfriend encouraging you to grow and mature in the Lord? Or is he a hindrance to your growth?

Husbands among us, if our understanding of this passage is correct, it means that in our marriage, one of our responsibilities to bring our wives to the front stage, to let her shine in her spiritual beauty, to delight in her, to let her become the person God wants her to be. Just as Christ uplifts His church, imperfect as we are.

Conclusion:

  To the men among us who are waiting to be married. I understand that you have a list of requirements for you future wife. Usually the younger you are, the longer the list. And as you get older, the list will become shorter and shorter. I understand it is important to know some of your expectations for the future wife. Yet, the question I’ll pose to you is this, if and when God in His time brings you the right person, are you able to love her as Christ loves you? Are you willing and able to love her by helping her to shine, sometimes even brighter than you and to delight in her?

To the sisters among us who are also waiting to be married. What kind of men are you looking for? Not just someone who can meet your needs, but can this man love you like Christ, with your well-being in mind? Can this person help you to grow spiritually and delight in seeing your maturity?

Certainly this is what we parents need to teach our children. When they are young, they are to learn the kind of husband they should be when they grow up and what they are to look in a man.

Now, to the husbands among us. If you are like me, you probably will say, yes, it is ideal but how can anyone do that? I wish there is another way to interpret this passage. No matter how you look at this, the conclusion is that we are to love our wives just as Christ has loved the church. And you know the key to this? Each one of us, will have to personally know and experience how Christ loved and died for me on the cross. Not only that, but His eyes are always on me, cleansing me and enabling me to overcome my sins, helping me to grow daily. In this process, He has great delight in me. Only as we experience this, then with his help we are able to turn around and love our wives.

For this reason, the correct biblical understanding of a husband’s role in marriage can only be preached in the context of Christ’s sacrificial love for us. Therefore, this message will not be well received in a Chinese community, Jewish synagogue or Muslim mosque. For the husband’s love for his wife begins with the Cross.